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i've met a few people over the years, theres been people who make me smile when i see their face, theres been people who make me wanna vomit when i see their face and greatest of all, theres people who i just want to smash their face in when i see their face. isn't the world a lovely place. [:
some people find it hard to accept that what they have. theres nothing wrong with them. myself included. it hurts me a little too when i hear someone say they don't like this part about them when it makes me like them that little bit more because everyones different. its really not the person, as i was saying on formspring, theres no set apperance/personality anymore. i use to think so but like really... every persons different, you like them or you dont. simple as that. i need to stop living by those stereotyped thoughts, my brain tells me to and then at other times it tells me other things. id use a stereotypical thingo like saying my heart tells me otherwise but thats just too cliche and fake as shit.
back to my lonely solo conversations with myself when im driving home by myself (:
you know when you feel emptiness, its just nothingness really. my mind is always like rushing with thoughts but honestly, i can never keep up with them, thats why i say things i regret, do things i regret because i cant think about them first, im just not a on my feet type of person. when you're exposed to something for a long time you just accept it. you've been alone your whole life, you just accept it. no matter how much you hate it. you have to accept it because its the only path for you.
i try to not give a shit about other people. i want to be able to just be a prick and pretend i dont give a shit about hurting another person but fuck myself for not being able to do it. being nice has seriously got me no where. ever. but when it comes down to it, im still going to be nice to people, i really really can't say no. and here i go back again, listening to the lyrics of songs, listening to the sound of people murmuring in library, looking at the smiling faces or just content faces of others around me. feel so lonely even when im there and just hurt inside. [:
and whenever i say you, im just talking about myself. it just makes myself feel better pretending that im talking about a circumstance that a lot of other people come in contact with.
back to my fourunit paper. 1T for life.
study study study. i never feel like ive done enough. HSC in 3 weeks.
i really hope i can get my mark, people keep saying its okay but its really
not. i don't think ill do that well, hopefully i can make it into something decent. [:
its nice to talk to people sometimes, not about anything particular, just talk. i talked with an eight year old kid today for an hour, he was so simple yet so complex. it felt like a dnm with someone uncorrupted by the shit that goes on in this world. it really is. gives me that little bit of stress relief i need to get by but still.. things always bothering me. still thinking about them. but sometimes little unexpeccted things just pop up. cute and make your day.
you know what i honestly regret in my life... having wasted 16 years of my life without good friends. i didn't make good friends until i was almost 17 years old. :\ its because i was too sheltered, i never went out but now i managed to push myself through that crappy barrier of playing games 24/7 NO JOKE, and going out and meeting new people, talking to new people and making GOOD friends. unlike my school. honestly, everytime i see someone from my school its just a bad memory. i don't want to ever see them again and they insist on coming macquarie library and not even studying there... just cockfesting and sucking each others fucking tiny asian dicks. ARGHHH.
anyways, most people are sad at their graduation, miss the memories they had.. the good times they had but won't be able to have in the same atmosphere again... i respect that and i wish i had those memories to be able to hold but look, i got fucked over from birth. LOL. but nah. i just realised i have a really hard to read typing style sometimes... OKAY, uh, ive said all this shit before. i wont say anymore. the only thing ill miss is the times when i was young and could start a fight with them with bare minimum consequences. [:
which hand do you clap with on top?
i clap with my right hand on top.
which way do you tilt your head?
i tilt my head left.
(:
and right to the very last minute, people were pissing me off. YOU'RE NOT PART OF OUR GROUP, GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR PHOTO. WE DONT LIKE YOU AND YOU NEVER HANG WITH US. CHIME THE FUCK OUT. but being the good guy i am, i resisted the extreme temptation to beat the shit out of him and leave him in a bloody heap in the corner of the school.
happy i graduated. sad that my high school was so shit, missed those fantasy anime like high school experiences. still dont know that many girls, cockfest school, cockfest life and after graduating from that cockfest school. ENLIGHTENMENT.
yes, i pretended to be that happy. honestly, feel no different.. moving on now with life!
i got a lot of shit to blog about. my second closest friend really made me think a lot today.. giving me genuine advice, he said he put it harshly but i took no offence whatsoever ._.
anyways, yeah... i've been in high school for six years yeah naturally people grow up and mature, looking forward but you really have to watch where your own two feet are taking you. ive changed a lot these last six years as he said, and even if i do all this shit... drink, blah blah, will i really be happy with who i am? he said it to me like it really is. i get home and im just fucking depressed, only looking forward to the next time. i have a lot of respect for him, even more so now, he admits where he went wrong but looks forward to make that into a positive experience.
honestly, i could have done sooo much shit. fucked up my life and all but even though i understand why people do certain things im still fucking insecure a lot really. im really bad with words, i can type all this shit but i cant say it out loud.. which makes me even more weak as a person but despite this i managed to keep semi-good morals and still mature well as a person. look... seriously, not being a dickhead or anything but i could have hooked up with literally 100 girls or more by this point in my life but i choose to be a better person, drunk or not and keep my self respect. if you cant respect yourself as a person how the hell do you expecr anyone else to respect you? sure, i havent fucking kissed a girl, had a girlfriend or even had a proper fling but i dont need those sort of small things in my life. need something proper because each of those small things would leave me unsatisfied when i come back home because i would know theres no meaning to it and id only be degrading myself.
a friend i only recently met properly asked me if im this nice to everyone? i answered uh, im a being nice? im always like this and they said i must be one of those genuinely nice people... its a compliment in a way but i know im not nice to everyone, im a hater sometimes and other times just rude but i dont know :/ i dont wanna be shoved in a nice guy category, nice guys finish last! haha :s but yeah, like my brother told me once, although they dont admit it, most girls just dont go for 'nice' guys, too boring, everyone needs a bit of badasss.
just picked up my brother from the station while im writing this, probably shouldn't no random breathtest pleaase, anyway, my brothers the best i could ask for, love him no homo, haha ANYWAYS, but yeah, going along, everyone needs good friends because it really does determine your future... one wrong decision can fuck everything over. i found it nice today realising im not the only one thinking such fucking retarded thoughts x) this is why i dont have white friends, they'll just pass me ooff as a pussy/cunt and fuck off.. generally, sure theres exceptions.
anyway, you have friends who drink/smoke because you drink/smoke... you laugh at the same shit. wow... today really made me realise the shit that happens. i really need to cherish my life, love it for what i have and appreciate every moment. it really pisses me off how i cant think and talk like this at the same rate. -sigh.
i truly think, if you can go to sleep happy with yourself then your life is perfect and you're doing everything fine.. need a goal and be happy. dont mourn the past, smile for the future eh. heh. quoting my mates, love them. (:
bear with me for just the one moment of messed up glory.
WOOOOOOOOOOOO. i just dominated my LoL game.
i started with the shittest team, amumu solo mid, annie and cait
getting dominated at bottom, have no fear! cameron is here,
i took down their whole team by myself, hectic brahhhh. :D
dam, she really does make me feel peaceful sometimes. its a clenching yet nice feeling. ive been a little lost lately but if theres one thing i know, ill miss my that sense of peace i got from seeing my friends at library when i got there, the hours i spent with them studying and joking around. it actually makes me a little teary. i use to hate being around people because i was so self conscious and timid but now i dont think i can live without people like these people in my life, it just gives me a little happiness and sense of security and i feel like after HSC im not going to able to see friends everyday like this... maybe its cus i was listening to that song while typing this. made me feel a little more emotional HAHA. fook, okay i cried happy? but honestly, moments like these go by so fast and even though they're not as technically fun as other times, being able to just see friends let alone talk with them is enough for me. im really not strong eh.. okay now im just fucking depressed over this. i gotta stop before my eyes get puffy FOOK. but im really grateful that i have people who i can talk with so freely, even if i haven't known them for long i feel like i've been friends for ages compared to people who i've been friends with for ages and although theres all those things that i know about them and just expect them to do things.. i haven't even felt as close to them as i do with some people i've only met for a few days sometimes.
i also noticed today when people are touchy, it makes you feel like you have a better relationship with them sometimes... no homo. heh. better stop now!
OK. took deep breaths, tehhe. im good, but i really do love those moments when my heart starts beating fast. :D
