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i don't understand?
go fuck yourself.
people who tell me, i don't understand, i won't understand, don't worry due to the intention that they assume that i won't understand, all just go fuck yourself. people who think my level of intelligence is a joke, people who don't believe that i'm better than that, go fuck yourself. honestly, everything can go fuck yourself. im sick of it. ive been so close to breaking, and resisting, sometimes people need to release their anger on something, but sometimes little things aren't enough. question why theres so much anger? don't, life fucks everyone over and over again.
everyone feels bad when they try hard, and than don't succeed. that is one of the worst feelings in the world, when it becomes consistent, instead of getting teary from it, it just turns into hate. everythings tempting me.. for example, today at the bus stop there were two drunk guys, one had a beer and they were argueing and the other one grabbed his beer and shattered it across the pathway infront of us. the fumes of the disgusting smell of beer even became somewhat attractive. people say giving into temptation is bad, but no. if it can even give you a slight moment of happiness, i say its worth it. especially if you've had none. life has fucked me over again. i had to fill out a survey for 'interviews' with the principal and deputy, i honestly am sick to the limit with everything, and to make it worse i have nothing to do to do in my spare time. nothing fun, happy. if you read the content of my responses you would understand how much i hate my school and im not afraid to tell them. they'll mark me down for no legit reasons anyway, they screw me over over and over again. theres no words that i can say that can express my disgust. even beyond pathetic, cant even keep it professional. and hence, im back to these quesy awkward moments of life where im constantly questioning everything, even to the point im wondering about my existence, thats when you know its too much. why do i look from third person, why am i ... i long, crave for those moments of h
appiness, to experience that tingle, live for it. but sometimes, realising the end of those moments can be twice as hard. (:
go fuck yourself.
people who tell me, i don't understand, i won't understand, don't worry due to the intention that they assume that i won't understand, all just go fuck yourself. people who think my level of intelligence is a joke, people who don't believe that i'm better than that, go fuck yourself. honestly, everything can go fuck yourself. im sick of it. ive been so close to breaking, and resisting, sometimes people need to release their anger on something, but sometimes little things aren't enough. question why theres so much anger? don't, life fucks everyone over and over again.
everyone feels bad when they try hard, and than don't succeed. that is one of the worst feelings in the world, when it becomes consistent, instead of getting teary from it, it just turns into hate. everythings tempting me.. for example, today at the bus stop there were two drunk guys, one had a beer and they were argueing and the other one grabbed his beer and shattered it across the pathway infront of us. the fumes of the disgusting smell of beer even became somewhat attractive. people say giving into temptation is bad, but no. if it can even give you a slight moment of happiness, i say its worth it. especially if you've had none. life has fucked me over again. i had to fill out a survey for 'interviews' with the principal and deputy, i honestly am sick to the limit with everything, and to make it worse i have nothing to do to do in my spare time. nothing fun, happy. if you read the content of my responses you would understand how much i hate my school and im not afraid to tell them. they'll mark me down for no legit reasons anyway, they screw me over over and over again. theres no words that i can say that can express my disgust. even beyond pathetic, cant even keep it professional. and hence, im back to these quesy awkward moments of life where im constantly questioning everything, even to the point im wondering about my existence, thats when you know its too much. why do i look from third person, why am i ... i long, crave for those moments of h
appiness, to experience that tingle, live for it. but sometimes, realising the end of those moments can be twice as hard. (:
i feel the need to blog once again :D victory to the world, 80% of my exams are over, only have japanese speaking which shouldn't be too hard and chemistry theory on friday to study for, so im pretty chill. i'm just going to go on a massive rant about all the things that have been pent up inside, i'll try not to make it too boring by shoving in some lovely pictures or something. -opens up phone with my 10 blog notes.
my beloved purple, oh, i don't know what this note is about but its sorta true. do you ever feel the need to change, not because you suppose that something might get better but because you're sick of how everything is now. just utterly sick of it, you want more, desire more and when you start dreaming about it thats when you know you got to have it, got to have more. (:
oh my god that picture is beautiful.... MOVING ON, people were calling me miserable the other week before our exams. i fucking wonder why genius but ive said it again and ill say it before, just because im not smiling doesnt mean im sad. :\ im always misinterpreted. nobody ever seems to listen, and because of that ive sort of reserved myself and not listened back or more passively listened. sometimes you need to concentrate though, smiling isnt as pretty as its made out to be. :x oh wow, i have an angry one in here. i'll quote it exactly, ' you think everything okay after you fuck me over? i smile to overcome my own urge to hit you. its my way of coping. ' heh. :s guess i do feel like that sometimes. 
theres one in here where i was extremely pissed about my english teacher knocking off my thesis for my extension essay but its in the past. :\ i haven't got my mark back but i have a feeling its not going to be as amazing as i hoped it would be despite me remembering all 1300 words + extra quotes practically word for word. yes im not complaining but it was an effort. 
and finally, ill just chuck an idea out there. is it just me or do you get REALLY annoyed when you're looking at some pretty person and than BAM, some fat enormous slab of shit just plops itself down in front of you? no ? just me? fml. hahh, but honestly... please move for the sake of my happiness. [: 
i shall end here for the sake of all those who can't manage to keep reading for prolonged periods of time. heh. so long and farewell~ im off to melbourne on the 26th-30th for school basketball. hopefully it wont turn out so f'd up!oh and pardon my asian photo spam, its become a habit. :s
its time for a change. i want it, i need it, ill have it. nobody can stop me, nothing can stop me.
you know whats sad once again. the fact that people feel the need to deter attention to themselves through the effort, or in some cases luck, exerted in certain feats. unlike most of the general other population, i play basketball to get better for my own sake. no, ill never make it into nba. no i'll never even make it into a rep team. im not a great basketball player, but i try and am self motivated on my own will. ive been playing almost everyday since year 7. you'd think, why are you still so bad at basketball, but you tell yourself, no i train myself to jump higher to prove to you that i can jump higher than you, even when i know the fact that i jump higher than you, you blame it on my height. look around you, im not that much taller than anyone else, ive just been forced due to that small difference in size to play the bigger man all the time. the fact is i have taken more shots in basketball than any kid in my school. i would put money on that. so know this, anything i do is for myself, my own personal reasons, sometimes they may involve you, but don't force me to do things, don't assume things upon me. in my head, you're just embarassing yourself.
can anyone tell me that they have never thought what would happen if they killed themselves or if you died, what would happen to the world around you. in the truth, nothing. you are insignificant in this world like me. the world would go on. your family and friends may miss you, but over time they'll get over it. sure every now and than you might pop back into their heads, thoughts but they're only memories. people learn to move forward. today i was told a strange thing, why are you so angry? um... look at my face. im neither smiling nor frowning nor scowling or anything. its just empty. maybe people have become accustomed to that forced smile but than again even im starting to lose the difference in my reality.
and once again im left thinking, somebody tell me.
is it just me or is each day getting slower and slower, and worse than that its getting about fifty times less exciting. i don't get excited when i block somebody in basketball anymore. i can't jump. im bad at basketball. im even starting center anymore, guess im just not good enough.
my basketball life is over. my if i ever had any social life is over and to top it off my school life was dead from the beginning. thank you world once again for fucking me over in more ways than i ever expected.
life's going real real real real slow. i'll just lie back and chill on it, like flowing down a river or something.
nothing gets me excited anymore. i think i've become more bored with life i think since this terms gone on, maybe thats just how i'll look at everything until the end of HSC. hopefully, just until then (:
i dont understand how people can say things and not understand that they hurt other peoples emotions or feelings. i dont know how people can just stand there and pretend that they dont know the reason why im being cold to them. i dont get why nobody understands.
we're all humans right, but once again, everyones different.
another valentines day went by without a gift, without a smile, without a person noticing me for what the true meaning of the day is meant to be about. its not a big deal, im just putting that out there. [: just another monday.
oh, just to say, i REALLY like that picture at the top. it makes me happy.
what else to talk about, hmm. :x
everythings been going slowly lately, everything processes through my head slow, its like times become slower to a point. like actually slower, all my goals in life seem unrealistic, everything i wanted i can never hold to. i have never achieved any of my goals in life. :s thats a sad reality.
and for some reason, im thinking of these things in japanese while im typing them. thats a good thing in a way, help my japanese! not that i know how to say 3/4 of it. :D
i just have to say,
thank you world for being there for me.
thank you for all the times you've had my back.
thank you for putting me into this school.
thank you you've made me happy.
but what you didn't know, is its opposite day.
would you like to hear an interesting story? well bad luck, thats a rhetorical question. yesterday i had a lovely d&m session with some stranger on the internet. the funny thing
is they understood me in those few moments more than anyone else has in my entire
life. they understood things i do:
- they noticed that i use positive emoticons, even when im talking about something sad just to cover up things so nobody would notice. and nobody ever does notice.
- they understood, they didn't pretend to ignore me or change the subject, they talked about themselves just enough so i wouldn't feel like its just me. good day to you stranger and may we meet in another lifetime.
