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i used to be naive, immature and ambitionless but this last year ive grown up when i thought i had already come to the point, ive changed for the better and am learning to become the best person because there is now a reason to. when you have a reason to do something, to fight for something, to change for someone, everything becomes easier and now i have to become the strongest pillar that will never crumble through good and bad times.
shaking and crying again. back to state one. all i need and want in my life is security and knowing that i can be happy being who i am with who i want to be with, but its not enough.
my biggest fear is that im not enough, but my worst fear is that knowing that im not enough to change my own future. to have a say in what i want in my life. knowing that no matter what i do, no matter how hard i try that its not enough to change the outcome of the future. knowing that i have zero say in what happens.
fear hurts, not knowing hurts, im hurting. when i think ive finally passed, something else pops up that just destroys me from the inside out. i try not to admit it but im really sensitive and i get hurt easily. there are points like this where i feel like my whole life i worked up to one point and when i finally reach the pinnacle i get thrown back ontop of a fucking spike. but im not quite there yet, im hovering over it hoping that i'll get caught before i get pierced but that feeling of getting pierced is looming in my head and im feeling the eptiome of hopelessness. my hope is dying. all my faith and love is unmovable.
my minds wandering and im not sure when its going to stop. i haven't been able to sleep much lately, its scary, this world it is. youre thrown into circumstances which you can't predict, youre stuck in circumstances you thought were okay and somethings always wrong. theres no perfection in this world, at least around me, im not asking for it, its just.. when youre not sure whats right and whats wrong, when you dont know where to go or what to do with yourself and youre just going on then i find it hard. im by myself a lot of the time. i really feel isolated when theres actually nobody to hold on to. i keep looking for something, somebody to grab and be able to lean on. i want to be happy with myself but im always scared of something. unsure of something else. and in the end i just feel alone with only one hope in the world.
im feeling really down and out of it today. i don't know whether it's the studying, lack or too much of this or that... i really don't know i keep trying to think clearly but everythings blurry to me at the moment. i know where i'm going in life and i'm happy with where i'm going but in this moment and everything around me in this moment feels empty and i feel like im going to break down if im not careful. not openly just alone at home late at night when nobody is around to care.
this last year ive changed a lot in a good way. last year i was at the stage where i didnt care about my life and was trying to find a reason but ended up following the stereotypes of what seemed to make people happy but it didnt. the only thing i miss is spending time with my friends with less cares than i have now.
as this year progressed, ive been going gym 5-6 days a week which is the only real progress or habit that has kept me going through this otherwise i think i would lose it. im really weak and i feel like all my close friends who i could talk openly and feel relaxed with have disappeared around me. ive made different good friends but that same type of friendship isn't there. there is no one around me in reality and nobody talks to me unless theres a reason and right now in this moment i just feel so weak and alone. i'll get by, maybe its exams :)
theres so many shallow people in this world, im feeling like theyre all trying to draw me into their sadistic world and im losing the patience for it. im sure of who i am but im sad of what the people around me are, have become and are becoming. sometimes i stop and feel blank about it all.
happiness can't last forever. i tried, i tried but there are some obstacles that won't let you. when you don't have family supporting you, i can keep trying still. when they are forcing me apart, i can keep trying. when it's hurting both of us, thats when it is over. the happiest six months of my life is gone just like that. and now i'm left with the worst feeling in the world. regret that i can't be with the only girl i ever loved. regret that i said things i shouldn't have. regret that i am stuck now in this pit of sorrow alone. completely alone. i dont want to live anymore. there is no reason.
i always seem to keep trying. i tell myself never to give up but in my head i really dont care for many things i just keep telling myself that i care when i really dont but its come to the point that i do care about some things. one is my girlfriend at the moment. at first i didnt think it would last. then i kept trying. it pulled back and forth until i became content and now im in a happy caring stage. i never thought id be able to care about somebody other than myself and family until i came to this point in life and i finally can. i genuinely worry about every little aspect more than i care about myself to the point where i become paranoid sometimes... little things bug me and i always ignore them looking at the positives. and sometimes i know im being naive but i look the other way. relationships are compromise and i know i cant be overbearing but ive just become so happy and accustomed i feel content with my life and dont want to lose it so i put in my every effort. im not prepared to let it go now. ive come to that stage and im willing to fight for it if i have to because it means more than a first to me. i just pray to myself that the way i am now isnt going to lose me the things i hold dear... i just want to believe im the one.
since everyone thinks my blog is only about depressing posts i'll try and lighten up the scene some more. even through all the ups and downs of the last few months where i really only talk here about the downs, i've become a happier person in general i think as i've been maturing and growing up faster than expected. i'm at the point where i'm past all the immaturity and i really started to think more clearly than i used to and it's nicer. i feel happier and more confident about myself in general. before, i didn't really know what i wanted and i was always focused on trying to do what i'm supposed to do and what others expect from me but i gave up caring and do what i want to do rather than pretend to be someone im not. even though i used to be fine showing that fake side, its not who i am. id rather be true to myself right now than play someone else and as long as i have someone beside me, im okay. im happy and i wouldnt want it any other way.
i always put effort into the things i do when i feel its worth it and i sacrifice more than i get more often than not. im used to it that way, im used to being used and just following certain procedures and stereotypes but when you stop and really think if its what you want before you act. you change yourself. and when you find out whether you generally enjoy doing things then it makes things more worthwhile and lets you put more effort into them and willing to take further steps if that made any sense at all. i think people get caught up too much in stereotypes, they drag you down but you really need to think about what makes you happy personally as a person and then follow that because in the end your happiness is your own and your the one making the decisions for that. if youre happy doing nothing with your life. and if youre happy being a billionaire playboy. it doesnt matter, as long as youre happy. thats the difference. a happy person is a happy person. a sad person is a sad person. regardless of circumstance, you are yourself so make it happen (:
when you keep trying to create a sense of uniformity and simplicity into your life you're inevitably only going to hurt yourself. there is nothing simple about life and when you try to make it seem simple and not so bad, thats when youre throwing yourself into false hopes and you'll end up trashed, alone and lifeless. theres too much pain everywhere and from everything, people like myself are always putting themselves down from that low self esteems stems branches of more sadness and sorrow and its just too hard to climb back, even with help youre only just going to be left at the bottom tunneling deeper into your own pit of shit. i keep telling myself everythings alright and theres nothing to worry about even when theres a million things shooting through my head and when you keep forcing those things to the back of your head, eventually theres not going to be any space left to store it which is why i forget. forgetting is easier than forgiving. my life isn't so holy that i can easily forgive even though its seemingly the right thing to do. this springs more traps, trips and when youre left with all these insecurities about yourself and those around you, you don't know what to trust or believe in anymore and its really quite empty. im really quite empty right now... just floating on.
