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havent blogged in a long time because i dont know what ive been doing with my life. theres no real alterations or complications, just maturing. but honestly, why does this always happens to me, i think im relationship incompatible or something, all my mates just things left, right and all the way down the fucking centre whenever a girl is involved with me, i dont know if its the way i look, or the way i act because the way i act i really dont know how anyone can get that impression of me. tbh, ive thought a lot about this sort of stuff, i work 5 days a week practically by myself outside making coffee and i just zone out and think to myself. the only way i can meet girls are at clubs these days, and lately my korean fetish has gotten the better of me and i dont regret it in the slightest, but people see me and think dth , down to hook up, not oh, he looks like he'd make a good boyfriend, no ones dtr, down to relationship... LOL. i know im young, nineteen years old, still a fucking teen but ive never had a proper girlfriend and ive realised for a while now theres almost zero opportunities so im gonna be more confident. but still, if i tell my friends one thing, they assume the latter so what can i do. people just assume things from me when they never actually think about who, what, why.. i actually dont know where the fuck im going in life except that each day is just passing, getting simpler, lonelier and somehow more linear as i start coming to terms with my. reality.
been feeling out of it still. sometimes i think that its better, just not to think about any of it. thinking brings complication and complication brings pain. sometimes i actually feel that im going to die young. everything just gets you down and ive just been trying to keep out of it, when somebody says something that pisses me off or makes me sad, ignore it, if somebody tries to make me do something, ignore it. theres no point putting effort into something that doesnt deserve it and if you let it worked up it only makes you weaker. atm, i have work/gym to take my mind off things so im coping.
in the end, just turned back to impassive.
i think im a little bit of a coward. i always tell myself that i know i can do things but prefer not to, i can tell people anything but they don't need to know it if they don't ask... im always waiting for the opportunity. i always tell myself, if i keep waiting then someday something good will happen, someday someone will come to me, someday something will happen but it really wont. and somewhere in the back of my head i know that. and somewhere in the back of my head, i know how alone i actually am in this world. realising at 4am in the morning, realising at 4pm in the afternoon. realising your whole life, you have no one to really talk to.
those lyrics hurt... my heart is weathered, tired from the pain, i thirst for something more than any worldly gain. they try to break me, steal the love you give so i need you more every moment of the day.
was reading keith's blog and it reminded me of myself lately a little. i've been overthinking everything, digging to deep into what could be, what i think should be, what i actually want and ending up nowhere. i keep getting caught up on this and that thought and before i know it my body's going faster than my brain. i can't catch up and can't deal with it and before i know it, i catch up and am left with a bunch of regrets. the more and more i think of the 'perfect' girl for me, keep thinking that there is one that is perfect then you get caught up and miss what could've been. i told myself this already over six months ago but im just letting my emotions play for themselves, and in the end im left worse off, more alone and in the hardest pain ive felt in the last few years. the worst part is that i recognise where i went wrong, what i coudl of done and shouldve done and i think over this last year its been the biggest life changer. just so much has happened, and in these last six months, it feels like nothings happening, but somethings happening but times just flowing and now im at the end of my first year of uni with more regret then ever. telling myself to live life with no regrets but doing so brings worse regrets. ttm. bye.
i dont know what to do with my life now. im at an impasse. everywhere i look im just staring blankly. everywhere i go, i dont know where im really walking. i need to quit looking at my feet and thinking where they'll take me and decide where to go but even saying that, i still can't take that step forward.
i just want to sleep and forget about the world around me. theres really nothing worth living for in it. ive been living for these false illusions of a better future but everything is just a dream. and at the moment, im just sore and sick of it. i dont understand why im just so unsatisfied with life. ive made better friends than i had in high school, ive laughed more and matured more but its come to the point where you dont know whats what anymore. i feel like i can have a serious conversation with someone and they wont understand how serious i am and the sad thing is that theres nothing to talk about, no one to talk with and nothing left to give. sometimes you need to shed a tear to force a smile.
