redemption.

saddest and loneliest feeling ever. i miss my friends so much. you know when you say you miss something, this time, for me, its the only time ive ever truly missed something so much it hurts. WAH.

i've come to that point in life where nothing really matters at all. not one little thing matters. my morals are still there, i stay by my friends because they're the only ones, along with my family, who are going to be there at the end of the day. people are overrated, they are made out to be so much more complex and all, sometimes you think there is more to a person but in the end they're just how you perceived them to be. how you wish you didn't perceive them to be and its just... you really just don't care anymore.

i'm over the stage of everything, i miss good friends like felix who are responsible and just live life the way it takes him, i really respect him for it. i saw him for the first time in a while the other day, realised how much i missed him, had to tell him. (: its those moments when you feel you have to say something, not our of necessity of the situation, not out of pity or anything else just because its true and they deserve to know it. but seriously, the world is made out to be so much more complex than it is, its people, the way they think and how they do things that make things more complex, live life simple. when you have enough time to not care about things, thats when these things really sink in. im honestly just at the stage where i don't care. not a great thing, but not a bad thing.

^ i forgot to post everything above the other day. i had it typed up x)

anyways, im listening to adele - someone like you by sungha jung like the instrumental and thats devo enough. he's seriously an amazing guitar player, it makes me want to play but i only have left handed guitars in my house and i lack motivation to do anything. i don't even know what im doing anymore, money is just disappearing before my hands. its really quite sad. :\

i have nothing much to say except that yesterday will be a day i will never, ever forget - to the grave.

my wish came true in a weird way. 11:11 11/11/11 you messed with me.

you know that feeling when you know that people are talking about you but you can't do jackshit about it. whether its genuine reason, good or bad. its still happening. i find it amusing how i wrote a peer pressure essay for japanese like an hour before i got peer pressured. almost gave in but there wasn't a decent hairdresser. heads up to that at least, but honestly. i just want a decent haircut and stop worrying about all this shit people keep giving to me. its really amusing sometimes, its funny how my hairs just so fucked up nowdays.

i honestly do not know what is coming on with each day that i see ahead. i just want something, anything to happen. anything.but for that reason and that reason only i must take any opportunities that come before me. never miss out on anything, never give up on anything and keep a positive attitude no matter what because thats all i can do. :D

heres a picture of my fat little self when i use to do martial arts. i miss it.. look at all those noobs around me, i'm the boss in my black uniform. HECTIC. :D this is how you do its kids, bow to master cameron... HAHAHA. another regret.

like today never happened...

it's stuck in my head. :x i really dislike meaningful things sometimes, it just makes everything more intense, too much pressure and im not good with it. life is based on assumptions, especially around me, everyone always assumes this about me, everyone always assumes that what i do or say means this. no. honestly, sometimes when i do something, it means nothing. not one thing. nothing at all. i guess thats the difference between intention and action. if i intend for that action to mean something it means something, if i don't then it means nothing. LOL. what am i even saying?

life is easier forgetting the past. in my past in particular there have only been bad memories with specks of good things that fade too fast. people always say forget the past but i think its easier with me. honestly, you can never forget the past, especially if an action hurt you deeply, hurt other people or was just that significant that it affected people around you.. but even though life is filled with those regrets, forgetting is never easy. forgiving is easier. i guess thats why there is the saying forgive and forget, forgetting comes after.. LOL what am i saying again.

i just think that life is really too short and your youth is too short to let opportunities pass by. like the other night, i really didn't want to go because i knew what to expect, i knew what was going to happen around me, honestly not one thing was out of my expectations.. maybe its because my expectations are so low of myself and just.. don't know how to say. but everytime i go out at night, i come home feeling as lonely as ever, whiplash effect! hahh... i don't think what im typing lately really reflects anything that i'm actually thinking. but here i am again, typing away. [:

when you're up at 4:30am and you have an exam in two days... HECTIC. LOL.
jokes.

i need to sleep before 6:30 otherwise my dad will get up and be like wtf. D: probably not good :\ ITS SO HOT BUT... i'm talking to myself again.

i really can't think straight lately, its like im not even thinking ahead and just going with whatever happens. well not completely but like, i know whats happening but at the same time i don't. its just all lost. i need a job, no more exams soon, i want to go out, i need friends to go out with, i actually wanna go out everyday, i feel so lonely when im at home by myself.. blah blah. life goes on.

i know my hair won't look as nice if i cut it but i think im going to have to regardless. forever alone forever.

hectic round two~ jokes... was pretty much the same as i expected once again but to top it off it was even more empty today than yesterday which was just tragic. i'm well over it and honestly, i knew i didn't wanna go, i went anyway and although i owe one of my friends one for looking out for me, i still didn't have that great of a time especially since everyone just left so early. come for 3 hours, laters... another $70 gone. fun... if it wasn't for that mate i would've probably done something that i definently would've regretted plus he cheered me up so heads up to him. great mate. no one came out of that club with a mangled face from me due to him. [:

anyways, im pretty much over everything at this point in time. nothing really makes any difference and im just living on each day without knowing whats coming next. i still have HSC on wednesday, last exam and then i should be going off but it really won't be any different. lifes puzzling that way.. im up for round three, 1T.

dare you to move, like today never happened, today never happened.. maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell, where can you run to escape from yourself......

its hard to get up each day and move, honestly. its getting harder and harder to forget and forgive and everyday when i try, its honestly like im just running into a wall. im getting nowhere and its only hurting myself. my eyes are so dry that they can't even get teary properly, thats what i get for staying up all night talking to myself.. its a bad habit. 20 minute power nap sleep. yay.. but truly, and honestly, its just too hard. i can tell myself, hey cameron, get up, try and have fun and give everything and anything your best and live with no regrets but when it comes down to it, my poker face still on, most of the time anyway, i try... and try... and in the end im down 100 and feeling just as crap as i was yesterday if not worse. cheers to my friends but for having a good night. everyone had fun, i had the best sleep of my life.

theres so much to be grateful for in this world, theres just so many beautiful things that i should be grateful for, that i want to be grateful for but everything just feels fucking emptier than nothingness.

you try time and time again and you get let down. you let yourself down. in the end its only yourself you're letting down. everything just makes it seem like whats the point in putting effort into anything. i wish i could just tell myself i don't care, just lie down and forget everything but its impossible. especially when you're sitting by yourself alone for hours and hours on a shitty rainy day.

eshays lads, one week til last exam!

devo life. got beaten 0-60 by a bmw x5. i don't give a shit if its a v8. my feelings are hurt. LOL. D: i really wish i could drive manual. chuck me an rx-7 please.

nothing else significant to talk about. my life is like a black abyss, can't think of anything!