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hm. theres something about certain things just make me happy, but the most of those other things even things which are meant to be happy just make me down. whether i show it, or whether i break through it with my typical cliche words have been turned into double puns, 'don't worry.' sometimes its because i don't want to tell them, sometimes its because they're just too difficult to tell, sometimes its just because they don't even remotely understand. but what can you do?
in the end, its all the same thing, excuses. sometimes i try to deal with those insecurities, sometimes little things such as somebody saying they recognised me, or saw me someplace, someone who actually wants to talk with me, a genuine compliment, even seeing somebody whos stunning. it makes the world all seem more real, and reinforces that im just another small part of it, waiting to fit into that trend. the world seems so small yet so large and yet i still can't admit that i want things that other people have, jealousy gets the best of me once again. (:
love maribelle anes's songs. :s make me happy. going boombox on sunday hopefully.
ALSO, my new formspring background/desktop background makes me happy too. yay. :D
playing omgpop by myself, thats quite sad. :s
honestly, i use to think that it was hard to talk to other people, and my body keeps on telling me not to tell other people these things, but sometimes it just comes out you know. not everything, but little bit by little bit, you're letting yourself out but i still sit there wondering what i am, who i am to myself to others and everything. i kept on telling myself, i have enough problems and that i don't need to hear other peoples problems, but when they're actual worries its nice, not like oh my god, im too lazy to get up to do something, fml. :s
the worst thing about life is how unfair it is, but thats reality, everything cant be a dream no matter how much you wish for it, and nothings perfect. we've been living in this world where things have become the norm and unusual. people are forced to say excuses to cover up for things which shouldn't have to be covered up on. guys aren't allowed to talk about their emotions, girls aren't allowed to get out of the kitchen. KIDDING. hah. i have a lovely sense of humour.. :s
but a friend, yes a friend was saying the other day how they don't like to be told what to do, if they want to do it, sometimes their friends/partner should let them do it, not force them not to do it out of some norm and use caring as an excuse. what is caring...? thats what im bummed out about. i don't think i'll forget those words, theres a limit to how much you care with somebody but obstructing them from what they want, their own personal happiness, thats not the way to go. although you might not agree with it, you're a hypocrite if you don't let them do it. a fucking hypocrite. [:
so many expectations have been cut down. its really amazing how people perceive other people. i've lived my life thinking about it from a less detailed outside perspective but when you get down to it, theres so many things about a person.
its the little things that matter, and its the big things that count.
people see big things, but it takes an aeon to realise what makes up that big thing, how those little things matter more and ultimately what everything and anything is. i've preoccupied my life with constantly attempting to wanting to be the best at this and that, i admit competitive spirit is good but what does it account to?
what i see, what i want, what i feel, as a great man once told me, ' follow your heart, your brain only screws things up. '
how can it be okay?
its not that i don't know anger,
its not that i don't feel its unfair,
and its not that I can't feel pain in my heart...
because i need to live.
while i'm alive nothing is over.
just because today was good,
my life isn't over.
and just because today was bad,
my life isn't over either.
good things and bad things,
they will all go away.
its not that i don't know anger,
its not that i don't feel its unfair,
and its not that I can't feel pain in my heart...
because i need to live.
while i'm alive nothing is over.
just because today was good,
my life isn't over.
and just because today was bad,
my life isn't over either.
good things and bad things,
they will all go away.
just for everybodys viewing pleasure, i will show you something lovely. LOL. [: an extract from my lovely luvo folder.
HAHAHAHA.
wasn't that lovely. my lovely transition over the last few months.
HAHAHAHA.
wasn't that lovely. my lovely transition over the last few months.
i still retain that i have never spiked my hair, that one was cus my hair was so dead it just stood up. i look so lovely and white. don't i? (:
anyways, my beautiful days gone, my beautiful hair gone and its back to being disturbingly short and fizzy. that was the main point. it dies worse than usual on the sides, and my fringe is ugly as ever! :D
okay, now to talk about something else after i astonished somebody with my luvo spam. i resisted posting up my hair now cus its all short, and i already have pretty dam bad regrowth, don't lift my hair up! haha, i'm probably going to dye it back to a medium-brown or maybe black in a couple of weeks!
i have been forced to like.. question a lot of things during these holidays and have concluded i am what i am. i can't be anything more, don't ask for more, don't ask for less, i don't know what i want from life and i don't know where i'm heading but my friend made me think. he was telling me that whats the point of all of this, say you get 99.95 atar, nobodys going to remember that even 5 years from now, and then when you're dead, you're just dust. i have been living my life trying to be happy, thats all that really matters isn't it, have those moments of temporary happiness to attempt to reach a point of permanence?
also, you know when you're attempting to recognise someone... you know i think carefully, sometimes i just like pause for a moment and like completely examine somebodys face, details and everything. i know that sounds sorta stalkerish but like ... it makes you think about how much you really know about a person. i also been thinking how i will never be able to look from another point of view, im restricted to first person my whole life.
also, my devo meter have gone on overload. my holidays is over, and i have nothing to show for it! i started out thinking i will make another great holiday, i already had two preplanned things which were going to great, meet all my friends i haven't seen in a while and new people and boom. cut me down, one managed to remake which turned out alright but yeah. its all over. HSC. fuck my life, i can say it over and over but its not going to stop the reality that im not in year 10 anymore, im in year 12, i have hsc and after that my life is in full kick. (: bring it on?
anyways, my beautiful days gone, my beautiful hair gone and its back to being disturbingly short and fizzy. that was the main point. it dies worse than usual on the sides, and my fringe is ugly as ever! :D
okay, now to talk about something else after i astonished somebody with my luvo spam. i resisted posting up my hair now cus its all short, and i already have pretty dam bad regrowth, don't lift my hair up! haha, i'm probably going to dye it back to a medium-brown or maybe black in a couple of weeks!
i have been forced to like.. question a lot of things during these holidays and have concluded i am what i am. i can't be anything more, don't ask for more, don't ask for less, i don't know what i want from life and i don't know where i'm heading but my friend made me think. he was telling me that whats the point of all of this, say you get 99.95 atar, nobodys going to remember that even 5 years from now, and then when you're dead, you're just dust. i have been living my life trying to be happy, thats all that really matters isn't it, have those moments of temporary happiness to attempt to reach a point of permanence?
also, you know when you're attempting to recognise someone... you know i think carefully, sometimes i just like pause for a moment and like completely examine somebodys face, details and everything. i know that sounds sorta stalkerish but like ... it makes you think about how much you really know about a person. i also been thinking how i will never be able to look from another point of view, im restricted to first person my whole life.
also, my devo meter have gone on overload. my holidays is over, and i have nothing to show for it! i started out thinking i will make another great holiday, i already had two preplanned things which were going to great, meet all my friends i haven't seen in a while and new people and boom. cut me down, one managed to remake which turned out alright but yeah. its all over. HSC. fuck my life, i can say it over and over but its not going to stop the reality that im not in year 10 anymore, im in year 12, i have hsc and after that my life is in full kick. (: bring it on?
there is no reason, no reason at all for anything.
- you've faced enough hardship for a lifetime.
- you've cried enough tears for a lifetime.
- you've hurt enough for a lifetime.
no more empty promises, please.
i don't understand?
go fuck yourself.
people who tell me, i don't understand, i won't understand, don't worry due to the intention that they assume that i won't understand, all just go fuck yourself. people who think my level of intelligence is a joke, people who don't believe that i'm better than that, go fuck yourself. honestly, everything can go fuck yourself. im sick of it. ive been so close to breaking, and resisting, sometimes people need to release their anger on something, but sometimes little things aren't enough. question why theres so much anger? don't, life fucks everyone over and over again.
everyone feels bad when they try hard, and than don't succeed. that is one of the worst feelings in the world, when it becomes consistent, instead of getting teary from it, it just turns into hate. everythings tempting me.. for example, today at the bus stop there were two drunk guys, one had a beer and they were argueing and the other one grabbed his beer and shattered it across the pathway infront of us. the fumes of the disgusting smell of beer even became somewhat attractive. people say giving into temptation is bad, but no. if it can even give you a slight moment of happiness, i say its worth it. especially if you've had none. life has fucked me over again. i had to fill out a survey for 'interviews' with the principal and deputy, i honestly am sick to the limit with everything, and to make it worse i have nothing to do to do in my spare time. nothing fun, happy. if you read the content of my responses you would understand how much i hate my school and im not afraid to tell them. they'll mark me down for no legit reasons anyway, they screw me over over and over again. theres no words that i can say that can express my disgust. even beyond pathetic, cant even keep it professional. and hence, im back to these quesy awkward moments of life where im constantly questioning everything, even to the point im wondering about my existence, thats when you know its too much. why do i look from third person, why am i ... i long, crave for those moments of h
appiness, to experience that tingle, live for it. but sometimes, realising the end of those moments can be twice as hard. (:
go fuck yourself.
people who tell me, i don't understand, i won't understand, don't worry due to the intention that they assume that i won't understand, all just go fuck yourself. people who think my level of intelligence is a joke, people who don't believe that i'm better than that, go fuck yourself. honestly, everything can go fuck yourself. im sick of it. ive been so close to breaking, and resisting, sometimes people need to release their anger on something, but sometimes little things aren't enough. question why theres so much anger? don't, life fucks everyone over and over again.
everyone feels bad when they try hard, and than don't succeed. that is one of the worst feelings in the world, when it becomes consistent, instead of getting teary from it, it just turns into hate. everythings tempting me.. for example, today at the bus stop there were two drunk guys, one had a beer and they were argueing and the other one grabbed his beer and shattered it across the pathway infront of us. the fumes of the disgusting smell of beer even became somewhat attractive. people say giving into temptation is bad, but no. if it can even give you a slight moment of happiness, i say its worth it. especially if you've had none. life has fucked me over again. i had to fill out a survey for 'interviews' with the principal and deputy, i honestly am sick to the limit with everything, and to make it worse i have nothing to do to do in my spare time. nothing fun, happy. if you read the content of my responses you would understand how much i hate my school and im not afraid to tell them. they'll mark me down for no legit reasons anyway, they screw me over over and over again. theres no words that i can say that can express my disgust. even beyond pathetic, cant even keep it professional. and hence, im back to these quesy awkward moments of life where im constantly questioning everything, even to the point im wondering about my existence, thats when you know its too much. why do i look from third person, why am i ... i long, crave for those moments of h
appiness, to experience that tingle, live for it. but sometimes, realising the end of those moments can be twice as hard. (:
i feel the need to blog once again :D victory to the world, 80% of my exams are over, only have japanese speaking which shouldn't be too hard and chemistry theory on friday to study for, so im pretty chill. i'm just going to go on a massive rant about all the things that have been pent up inside, i'll try not to make it too boring by shoving in some lovely pictures or something. -opens up phone with my 10 blog notes.
my beloved purple, oh, i don't know what this note is about but its sorta true. do you ever feel the need to change, not because you suppose that something might get better but because you're sick of how everything is now. just utterly sick of it, you want more, desire more and when you start dreaming about it thats when you know you got to have it, got to have more. (:
oh my god that picture is beautiful.... MOVING ON, people were calling me miserable the other week before our exams. i fucking wonder why genius but ive said it again and ill say it before, just because im not smiling doesnt mean im sad. :\ im always misinterpreted. nobody ever seems to listen, and because of that ive sort of reserved myself and not listened back or more passively listened. sometimes you need to concentrate though, smiling isnt as pretty as its made out to be. :x oh wow, i have an angry one in here. i'll quote it exactly, ' you think everything okay after you fuck me over? i smile to overcome my own urge to hit you. its my way of coping. ' heh. :s guess i do feel like that sometimes. 
theres one in here where i was extremely pissed about my english teacher knocking off my thesis for my extension essay but its in the past. :\ i haven't got my mark back but i have a feeling its not going to be as amazing as i hoped it would be despite me remembering all 1300 words + extra quotes practically word for word. yes im not complaining but it was an effort. 
and finally, ill just chuck an idea out there. is it just me or do you get REALLY annoyed when you're looking at some pretty person and than BAM, some fat enormous slab of shit just plops itself down in front of you? no ? just me? fml. hahh, but honestly... please move for the sake of my happiness. [: 
i shall end here for the sake of all those who can't manage to keep reading for prolonged periods of time. heh. so long and farewell~ im off to melbourne on the 26th-30th for school basketball. hopefully it wont turn out so f'd up!oh and pardon my asian photo spam, its become a habit. :s
