redemption.

As I get older and time passes, it is clearer and clearer how little and distant the friends I have are. The friendships seem material and the friends who actually know and understood me are far and gone. I am not somebody to go out and seek to rekindle friendships... the things that once gave me simple joy and tranquility when I spent time alone seem to be gone.

On the bright side, there are different joys and happiness too. The joys of growing together with my life partner, getting small joys out of seeing things grow or evolve...but that motivation to drive myself to grow individually is diminishing.

This pandemic has given more time to reflect on who I am as a person, who I want to be and where I want to go in my life but at the same time, helped realise how much I could have been, could have gone and could go but choose not to. It's a wall and I'm sitting on the side taking a sideline view instead of getting up and going for more. Maybe this is what it is to be content with what I have. Greed is never good.

two years have already passed since the happiest and saddest moment of my life to date but its the sad moment that persists even into my dreams or at the moments when i expect it least.

its strange how such a small moment can throw you back into that moment of loss. i dont know if its a by product of how my adult life has progressed but that sense of friendship, happiness and joy from having a best friend who has been with you through the good and bad is gone. it can't be replaced, only treasured for the time it was there.

my memory is hardwired to forget things that hurt me but the time we spent becomes clearer as time passes while everything else becomes blurrier. even if everyone else forgets you as a friend, you will always be in my heart as my best friend and i can never forget the pain that tore through me realising i would never be able to see you again while we stand on this earth. i wish i couldve been there for you as a better friend through the years.

life is precious and even if there are constraints holding you down, health, finance, love, don't forget that it's life and you only get it once. there are a million things material things i could want in this world but its the immaterial things that truly make it worth living.

there are moments in your life where you just stop and think 'is this a dream?' these moments are either the most beautiful moments or the hardest moments of your life. what could one day be the happiest day of your life can be met by the saddest and most painful heartbreaking times.

if we only live such short lives, take every moment and cherish it. loved ones. don't waste the time on the people who play you, manipulate you, try to put you down and only look forward. while you take those steps forward, make sure you're not the only one there.

everything has begun to converge at this point and so many things have happened but for some reason, time just seems to be passing... i have got to the point where my university life has finished and im supposed to be flipping over a new page of my story, my life but somethings just feel frozen to me. the things that used to be aren't the same anymore and everything seems somewhat less significant as i pass along the process of life. life is seriously too fragile.

i have been learning korean thinking that something might change, friends might appear or a wider window may appear but the days where people talked to me are long gone. the idea of all these childhood friends and high school friends and all those long talks with people, its just a distant memory. when i used to go out and drink with friends, even club, its just a distant memory. i am able to smile and laugh these days openly without some heavy weight on my shoulders but something else is still there. who knows... everything in my mind is fuzzy and stagnant.

How many days have passed like this?
The city, the crowd is fading, moving on.
I sometimes have wondered-where you've gone?
Story carries on; lonely lost inside.

I had this dream so many times.
The moments we've spent have passed and gone away.
Could there be an end to this-
What I'm feeling deep inside?
You know there's no looking back.

Glassy sky, above
As long as I'm alive,
You will be part of me.
Glassy sky, the cold
The broken pieces of me.

The mystery of it I recall.
Some believe the truth will change the way we fall.
I didn't want to hurt you, hope you know.
Empty promises; shattered dreams, of love.

Sometimes I wonder what's beyond.
I've tried many times to make it up to you.
Can somebody tell me what to?
Thought we're meant to be-
There's no going back.

Time, has already come.
Sun is gone, and no more shadows.
Can't give up-I know.
And this life, goes on-i'll be strong,
I'll be strong, 'till I see the end.

Glassy sky, above.
As long as I survive-
You will be part of me.
Glassy sky, the cold
The broken pieces of me.


the moments that were the past disappeared and faded into my memories. the precious times we spent together, photos and the memories... vanished away. and this life goes on, i'll be strong til i see the end. but still, how many days have passed like this? everything around me fading and the world's story still carries on... the days pass by, the clouds fly by and time goes on.

the emptiness that was void in my heart, the fragility of my broken heart was like a glassy sky, flowing, broken and blocked but its finally opened up to a bright open sky. endless. 

right now im just pointlessly walking around the streets... theres no real place where i belong in this society... its really hard lately and ive been holding it in but every minute or every day i feel like im drifting away inbetween the valley of the separate worlds im existing within. on one end, there is my work life that has slowly started to degrade and im feeling more and more alone. its not just the language barrier thats creating this ostracised emotion but more a lament form of loneliness... they might feel like they dont exclude me but im an outsider. i dont even work that much and the moments i do work i just feel empty and no excitement... you take into account my uni life that has eaten up the majority of my week pointlessly travelling from A to B to learn about nonrelevant concepts... you have my final graduation year... easy? no. i feel like even if im constantly studying i wont succeed. last week i had a group assessment center for some job i didnt even want with a low calibre of candidates and i was cut midway through the process. am i just inadequate? i dont know what constitutes my own adequacy but my own notion about myself is that i am a bad person. i have no areas i excel at academically, no sports or music that i excel at, im not particularly ugly or fat but not lean or buff. i have nothing stand out about me and that hurts to see about myself... the most lacking of my life is my social life. it might appear to others around me that i always seem to have friends near me but the reality is there is no one
 not even one person who i can call a good friend anymore... nobody who will be there when i need help and no one who will notice me when im like this now because really nobody even takes time to talk or communicate or.... i dont think im a bad conversational partner in person or online. it just feels like every exciting aspect of my life has degraded around me and as i elevate into this new era in my life im still empty. half the world im in now is korean, 한국어.. but i dont know a single thing. i cant read write or understand and i am constantly left out and cant communicate because of it. i dont get along with anyone and im really hurting at this reality im in right now.

when i was younger my problems were trivial because these factors existed in my life but now im really drained. i really physically struggle to breathe and it wouldnt surprise me if i had lung cancer... thats how lucky i am in this life. any brief happiness i had in the past slowly vanishes and im scared the only thing keeping me together these days will vanish someday. leaving me to rot and die...

i never got so emotional over somebody i didn't even know as i did for paul walker. just listening to this video below hit me right to the heart even though it's bloody wiz khalifa ... i feel like i lost a part of myself and my whole childhood. when i was alone.. on all those plane trips.. on all those train trips... i always seemed to rewatch fast and furious. they were just that good and i just got lost in the moment and thought i was in a different world. normally i feel like that when im watching some really good anime but for a movie, especially something in that genre it just... it felt like my life was a little more exciting than the dullness it has dimmed to be.

theres so many beautiful places in this world. i want to see mountains. i want to see oceans. i want to see beautiful rivers, waterfalls and the rows of skyscrapers and bridges humanity has made... theres so much mess in this world. people are its beauty but also its ugliness. there is an ugliness in humans that aren't apparent in other lifeforms... is it because we are more advanced? we are more complicated and that complexity forms some of the real demons in this world..... how can something so complicated like life be so fragile.. it just hurts knowing that the bonds and friends and people he influenced positively won't ever be able to see his smiling face ever again. he was taken too early.... is it fair? what is fair anymore.. i can't form those same bonds and friends and i won't ever be able to even influence the people around me. i am not even a good person but when someone so good is gone... im just hurt.

i dont value myself very highly. i feel like the bonds and friendships that were supposed to amount to the highlight of my life, anything of value that i learnt is worth nothing. there is nothing about me that shines. i dont have close friends anymore. i dont have anything really... is there anyone really standing there by my side. i just feel unfulfilled and empty and it hurts... im more fragile yet im still here.

i'm pretty messed up... as deranged as i seem at times and non-sensical especially on this blog, i know how to control myself. sometimes i might seem to lose my edge a little but i am more sensitive than i seem if you get to know me. theres extremely little things that will touch me really hard, somebody might not think it's significant but the one bad and good thing about me is that i remember things, especially bad things i seem to remember for a long long time and i dont forget. some people say you don't hold grudges but i hold every negative sentiment and feeling within me and i never let it go. i remember almost every single bad thing people have done to me and although i may act kind and good on the outside, i'm not a good person really. people are lucky laws bind this world together.

at the moment there is just so many things going on with university coming to an end. i really want something to bump myself out of this strangled reality but i'm falling further into its flow. im half normal, half messed up but thats who i am...

somehow i manage to push everyone around me away. people can say as much as they want that i'm a nice person or that i'm good looking or that i'm smart but the reality is none of those factors will do a thing for the people around me. these things don't keep people around you and somehow or other i manage to push everyone away from me... i used to think when i was younger that it was the people around me but the reality is i'm not that naive and it's myself, the only flaw is within myself. i am isolating myself by my actions and my lack of everything and in the end everyone around me will slowly disappear further and further. thats the reality.

i try to be nice to everyone regardless of who they are or what they've done to me although when i was younger that wasn't the type of person i was. i can say that i matured a little but in the end getting too comfortable with people or being too close to people makes them run away from me. i can't be myself around people and i realise that. if i let down my guard then i'll scare them away... it's really... really... sad. the true personality of me, i dont even know what that is myself but when i'm not thinking properly or when im comfortable is when people start to get pushed away. to begin with the only friends i have had in the last few years have been people who have disappeared from my life, working holidays etc. and... everything is just.. temporary. i feel like my life isn't anything permanent and i'm just a temporary entity that is bound to just fall into nothingness.

i wish there was something bright to pull me away from this isolation and mindset because i know i cant do it myself.

cheer up. smiles like that make me feel better even knowing how shit the world is to me.

everyone always judges and labels one another, they can't help it. it's part of human nature thats why there are so many different words to categorise people. standardising them. stereotyping etc. the fact is even when one person is made up of so many different ways to describe people, people always look at the most negative aspects and label them. for example, you could be a volunteer worker your whole life but one day you slip up and accidently hit someone with a car. you'll be the person who killed someone not somebody who gave their life to helping other people. it's as simple as that and that is why one mistake or one action can change peoples perspective of you forever.

first impressions are really important, when someone forms an image of you that image is most likely to stay with them for the majority of the period you know them and determines whether one mistake or one action, if not too severe, will change their perspective of you, thats why i always try to be nice to everyone around me nowdays even though my feelings and heart have grown numb. i think that people always have negative perceptions about me and thats why i dont have many friends or people around me. maybe its more to do with the fact that i dont care if i have friends or people around me anymore. i can be nice to everyone around me but the fact is that they're still going to disappear from my life and forget about me also. i'm not someone whos easily remembered. memories involving me must be easy to forget. i'm just someone whos easy to forget, whos actions mean little to nothing and i'm just a bystander in other people's lives.

i've lost the will to do a lot of things anymore and everything seems to take more effort than it needs to but i keep pushing on smiling because thats the only way to hide this insecure anxiety thats pent up inside me and hurting and tightening around my heart, i find it hard to breathe normally, maybe i have cancer who knows. it wouldnt surprise me, luck never favoured me. i know how to behave infront of certain people, i know what sort of face to put on... it hurt the other day when i was feeling off and i wasn't putting on that face properly and people at work were asking me what was wrong with me, i don't look as happy as normal. the fact is im not happy, i never was happy and i find it hard to ever be happy throughout my whole life, im barely even content at times. i can't even string my sentences together properly. lately, weeks are just blurring together. i worked over 50 hrs this week and i don't even feel tired. i've played LoL twice in the last month and i don't even know what i've been doing with my time anymore.

i removed everyone who was following and who i was following from my blogger and changed my chatbox. trying a fresh start doesn't mean anything not like anyone reads my blog anyway. its just my own personal box of introvertedness.

reality hits you hard. one of the hardest things in life is acknowledging and realising that you're not good enough for something, that you never were and never will be able to do something. you spend your whole life trying to improve yourself, you get educated, you learn life lessons and try to improve but when you face the reality that you aren't good enough for something, that you don't reach expectations or that anything you believed made you superior to someone else is really just bullshit then it hits you hard.

i think i am lucky in some aspects which shouldn't be taken advantage of. my parents could afford to and continue to give a good upbringing and lifestyle. i was able to get education and extracurricular activities. i am smarter than the average person, i was able to go to a good school and university. i am better looking than the average person. i don't know whether it's because im eurasian or the fact that i'm tall but i get compliments occasionally even though it never leads to anything. and lastly, believe it or not i'd like to believe that i have a good personality. at least a caring one.

the thing is that i don't want to put effort into caring about people who have hurt me, abandoned me or don't regard me as someone who can be respected equally anymore but the fact is that i can't stop caring and it hits me as hard as knowing that i'm not enough. people can spout all their self esteem bullshit but facts are fact. when you lose you lose and theres no return. i am inadequate and its a fact. i am someone who people look at once and move on with their lives. there is no one permanent in my life apart from my family and even then.... its hitting me real hard right now. i used to think that even though i was lucky in some aspects, if i was able to care and treat people well then people might like me or enjoy talking to me at the least but.... i'm really really hurting right now. i can't even string my sentences together properly. i give so much for other people without looking at myself, im always giving and i give people second chances, i give people third chances, fourth chances and even when i'm still treated shit i still face people with a smile on my face, not because someone told me to but because i honestly believe that if im nice enough to other people then i will be able to make myself and the people around me happier but right now, i know i'm just fucking with myself. i'm honestly done with everything right now. this point on is just living for the sake of living. i stepped over my own limits and i'm falling into a world where nothing matters anymore. when can i escape this reality and fall into my world of dreams.

i was reading back on some of my previous blogposts. some i feel like i was still a little young and naive and sure, every single thing im put in a different situation but overall, im still facing the same problems and the same and the same and the same again.

there is still the same insecurities, but they've dimmed. there is no reason for me to feel anything regarding them, i think overall i've stopped caring. the problems that used to annoy me, i just don't give a fuck anymore and the rushed pace that i felt like i was once in just numbed down to nothing.

there is still the same pessimistic attitude yet i'm able to cover it up better. maybe working around different types of people allowed me to change my attitude towards other people and i think i'm able to act more friendly to all types of people because even when i meet new people, i'm still judgmental but previously my actions were affected from my judgments now, i really don't care... there's still obvious things i'll stay away from but overall i feel like i become nicer from an external perspective.

everything is based on perspective. things can be perceived so differently yet be the same thing, thats why when you're facing the same problems people don't understand they're facing similar or sometimes the exact same problem just in a different circumstance which is why theres so many times people say i would have done this or i would have done that but then they don't realise in the actual situation.

id like to say that at some point in my life was the best point of my life but in reality, those best points of your life are meant to lead up to the present. it shouldn't stay in the past and if you can't recreate those memories in the present then they are just your past memories and aren't the best points in your life even if you felt the happiest in them. i'm not so naive anymore to believe in those fairytale like scenarios. im done with all of that and everything is just real and with that reality i stopped caring about things more. i feel dulled a little emotionally but i can cover it up. i dont even know if im covering it up because everything just feels so... unenergised. i dont know how else to put it. the flare in my life has dimmed down and just when i thought it might reignite it goes back to just getting sparks thrown at it every now and then. wish i could jump into some fantasy. wheres my life changing event.

all emotion we generate inside ourselves, its from ourselves that we feel how we do. we are scared of things because we feel afraid of them or fear that something will happen. we're sad because we don't like the feeling of something happening, sometimes it's the fear that makes us sad and sometimes we are just sad because we don't feel comfortable about ourselves.

right now, im not feeling comfortable about myself. i know in my life theres nothing wrong but something feels wrong in my stomach or head or... i just dont feel right. i think in life we just want to be content... theres so many things that i could have said, or should say, or want to do, or want to say... but actions don't follow, my body doesn't follow and sometimes i just don't know what the fuck i'm doing anymore frankly and i'm just going on with whatever is happening. i'm really messed up sometimes. it feels like the weight of everything is just pushing down on me and i dont even know why i'm pushing up or why i'm there in the first place.

shaking

finished my exam and nothings changed.
i sleep. i eat. i drink coffee. i go gym.
now i need a job.
i will sleep. i will eat. i will drink coffee. i will go gym. i will work.
whats next.
nothing will change its always the same.

just trying to relax but im always tense and uncomfortable.. and alone now.

i rewatched 5 centimeters per second after hearing this song again:



i was just reading...

"5 centimeters per second, the speed at which cherry blossoms falls. its an allegory to life.
acceleration due to gravity is 9.8m/s squared. compared to that 5 cm/s is very, very slow.

like cherry blossoms, most of us in the beginning of our lives are all clumped together and close to our friends, family and loved ones. but as we grow, slowly but surely, we grow apart from most of them. aside from our family, it is extremely rare for us to be able to be with the same people we were close to in the beginning. just like how rare it is for two cherry blossoms to be close to one another when they fall to the ground."

this movie is really beautiful.. and life really is like a cherry blossom tree with us as the cherry blossoms. we flourish beautifully until we slowly fall and disappear far away from those you slowly spent your time with. after rewatching it, i feel different feelings. i've grown up a little but surely, the first time i watched it i was in high school and i didnt understand a lot about life but since then ive experienced a lot. pain. love. losing friends. it makes me feel this deep tight feeling around my heart and it hurts to breath. its like my hearts being restrained.

it makes me feel the meticulousness of my life. i never ever really felt like i was ever in the moment, im always looking away from whats in front of me and because of that i have lost a lot of opportunities and things in my life. i feel like im stuck in a dream, not in this world. this song just makes me slow down, and makes me want to crawl up into a ball and cry into my pillow... my heart really feels tight. i dont know how else to describe it. the song is so simple but it makes tears run down my face... not sad just.. tears...

i've calmed down. life isn't really a stand still no matter how much pain and agony you feel throughout your life. there are always new things, new emotions and new things to be found if you just continue to live. they might not be sudden and it might feel like every moment in your life you're just waiting for it to come because in reality time isn't as fast as you would like it to be sometimes and at other times, it's too fast. that's one of the most fascinating things about life. you're thrown into this world without a thing, just a body but you develop bonds with people, you develop your own personality and as you grow older you continue to change. i know i have.

when i was younger, even looking back less than a year ago, every moment i continue to live i feel like i am growing and becoming someone better. i used to be much more naive, nervous and anxious about everything. more wary... more stressed but although those same stresses exist i changed in an unknowing way. life as you live it isn't stagnant at all. there are moments when you freeze but it just keeps going.. really.. it just keeps going. maybe slowly but it will move on and i feel like slowly overcoming these fears within me, the problems that arise and overcoming then i'll be able to feel satisfied with myself. sometimes you're faced with the same problems in different scenarios but every mistake you make, every feeling you feel stays with you and you'll be able to move on. i know i can move on. time is a beautiful thing, it keeps you forever changing. everything i've experienced up to now... im full of memories and i am still young. looking back at everything that has happened in my life, i am grateful, confident and feel reassured that i can keep going. even though its hard, i want to reach the end with a smile on my face without regrets. there are a lot of good moments and a lot of hard moments in life but they are what really help you grow. its cliche, but its the truth. so im just trying to be at peace with who i am and the choices i have made in my life. there are times when i might rewind and hurt, but i know it will pass. people are stronger than they give themselves credit for, and with the fragility of life, there is the wonder in it.. so... everyone including myself, dont give up on life. it is beautiful no matter how you choose to live it and there are beautiful things to be found as long as you continue.