redemption.

dont wake me up. dont wake me.. dont wake me up  up up up up up up ~
everything been feeling like a fairytale, some unrealistic dream, some drama that i've only ever dreamed of. i never thought in my life that i could care about somebody or somebody could care about me to the level that only ever existed in my fantasies. its a little wavering, makes me feel like im not really alive and that im gonna wake up oneday and realise once again that im alone. i cant help but have negative thoughts, my whole life ive been living thinking pessimistically about everything to the point where i know i can deal with anything that comes my way because i know theres always worse things out there. i dont get phased easy and i dont get angry easy anymore either. i just feel so lifeless. this holidays all ive been doing with my life is working and gymming and i look at my bank account and theres no money in it. i think have i even been working. i look at my body and i think have i even been gymming. i look exactly the same. its all just a little demoralising and it makes me feel that maybe everything ive had and known is really a dream which is why nothing is really progressing. it just makes me wish my life would skip forward to some point where id realise im alive. i can feel that im alive. to a point where i can feel content with myself... im really not okay.

never been so tossed, turned and thrown down so roughly in my life. im at the stage in my life where you want things you cant get. not purely materialistically either but as ive said before my life would be tenfolds easier with money which is why everyone in this world works hard to earn money because it keeps the world rotating. sometimes i really cant express myself fast enough or with words that are understandable. i feel so helpless when it occurs... i really don't know how to get properly angry anymore. i feel like im telling myself in my head that i should be angry and this is what you should do when youre angry rather than actually being so caught up in the act that my brain loses control. ive put up barriers inside myself to prevent that and sometimes i just want to lose control. i want to be able to get angry and say things without resisting, do things without restraint because that would at least make me feel more normal. my emotions are still there but its just harder to completely let go this past year. is there something about me that makes me untrustable? out of guys, i think if somebody is genuine with me i can give them my all, i always keep my word, i look out for my friends, used to giving more than i take and thats just how i am. i need to be serious with myself, and simple and outright with others.

for some reason i feel like talking about the hopelessness of humanity. humans are born with so many faults, more faults than can be accounted for, they differ from person to person and when somebody sees a big enough fault it makes them not want to communicate with another human being and these faults differ again from person to person and hence there are too many complexities and vulnerabilities in humankind. every single person is different in terms of how their brain works and how they regard different things and then there are stereotypical morals, ethical and social values that must be held dear and an arrangement of other sort of protocols for different types of situations and whilst everyone is conditioned to these same protocols everyone reacts to everything differently to the point where sometimes people lose control of themselves and don't know what they're doing, don't know what they're saying which is another step back in humanity. fuck humanity. there are too many complexities and problems already without further problems being thrown up upon. why do i have to do this, why do i have to do that, why do i do this, why do i do that. you know what, instead of worrying why you do this, making excuses, reasons or whatever you want to call for that, people need to do what makes them comfortable as a human being that has been conditioned in the world we live in and what makes them happy and able to live with themselves as a person, sure everyone makes mistakes however if you make a decision you have to live with the consequences you made from those choices. from left to right i could go on talking about all this pointless things except it would create no relevance to anything i am saying or doing and since i am talking about this pointlessness in the first place, why do people make blogs and talk about pointless things like this and who sits around reading pointless things that i write like this. its really quite ...

i used to be content in my life with nothing. i could amuse myself in a book and be immersed for days. later on i could amuse myself in games and be immersed for weeks. now, i cant even immerse myself in something for a few hours. ive lost touch with those small things in life and can't settle myself because my desires keep growing and i found myself stuck at the barrier of time amongst other things. ive managed to exert my self control to a level higher than i could have ever imagined. i can cover and control my emotions in a way that i didn't actually think was possible, to the point where im forcing myself to pretend that im emotional on occassion by bending myself to stereotypical actions involved with situations which i think isn't a good sign for my wellbeing. most of all, i think i need some security in my life, even if its just momentary or insignificant, i think ill let myself try.

even though this is technically the most strenuous moment of my angsty teenage life, i somehow feel the most at peace i have in a long time. i know its all jumbled and its hard for me to get my brain around things but mixed in this jumble is the happiest moments of my teenage life too. i think ive clarified between the different parts of my life that made it me always worrying, stressed and all tightened up. sure, that is never going to go away but somehow now i think i feel a little more at ease, even if its just a little bit and i feel that i can go somewhere and that there is perhaps a better future out there for me because id rather strive for gold or nothing with no regrets even if the chances are lower than you can think, then be complacent with silver.