redemption.

even through the worst of times, and i mean the worst of times where you feel the worst you have ever felt in your life there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and once you emerge out of that tunnel and beat all the shit that was tying you down, clear off the junk off your back and leave it back in that tunnel, you're free and happy. i feel relieved in a way. i seriously had the worst time of my life. i brought it all on myself and i was just feeding into my own pit of sorrow and problems digging it deeper but in the end i got dragged out, when youre stuck in somewhere so long you really don't want to go out even if you know its a bad place. you know whats right and whats wrong but you feel like you didnt deserve anything good in this world. no, the reality is everyone deserves at least a bit of good in this world. everyone in this world makes mistakes, its natural but really, its cliche but what you do after the mistakes is what shows you what you are. some people avoid them, some people fight them but some people actively work to fix them and learn from their mistakes. im not saying theres a best way but i picked my best way. and with every trough comes a peak and my peak will continue rising til im dead as long as i have her in my life. its funny how all my imperfections and flaws can be looked over, how i thought i would really be stuck alone and isolated but in the end theres someone right for you. its never easy. life isn't easy. but its worth it. and i dont think i could be happier despite what else is going on in my life. just peaceful and calm. its something you really need to treasure.

my minds wandering and im not sure when its going to stop. i haven't been able to sleep much lately, its scary, this world it is. youre thrown into circumstances which you can't predict, youre stuck in circumstances you thought were okay and somethings always wrong. theres no perfection in this world, at least around me, im not asking for it, its just.. when youre not sure whats right and whats wrong, when you dont know where to go or what to do with yourself and youre just going on then i find it hard. im by myself a lot of the time. i really feel isolated when theres actually nobody to hold on to. i keep looking for something, somebody to grab and be able to lean on. i want to be happy with myself but im always scared of something. unsure of something else. and in the end i just feel alone with only one hope in the world.

im feeling really down and out of it today. i don't know whether it's the studying, lack or too much of this or that... i really don't know i keep trying to think clearly but everythings blurry to me at the moment. i know where i'm going in life and i'm happy with where i'm going but in this moment and everything around me in this moment feels empty and i feel like im going to break down if im not careful. not openly just alone at home late at night when nobody is around to care.

this last year ive changed a lot in a good way. last year i was at the stage where i didnt care about my life and was trying to find a reason but ended up following the stereotypes of what seemed to make people happy but it didnt. the only thing i miss is spending time with my friends with less cares than i have now.
as this year progressed, ive been going gym 5-6 days a week which is the only real progress or habit that has kept me going through this otherwise i think i would lose it. im really weak and i feel like all my close friends who i could talk openly and feel relaxed with have disappeared around me. ive made different good friends but that same type of friendship isn't there. there is no one around me in reality and nobody talks to me unless theres a reason and right now in this moment i just feel so weak and alone. i'll get by, maybe its exams :)

theres so many shallow people in this world, im feeling like theyre all trying to draw me into their sadistic world and im losing the patience for it. im sure of who i am but im sad of what the people around me are, have become and are becoming. sometimes i stop and feel blank about it all.

happiness can't last forever. i tried, i tried but there are some obstacles that won't let you. when you don't have family supporting you, i can keep trying still. when they are forcing me apart, i can keep trying. when it's hurting both of us, thats when it is over. the happiest six months of my life is gone just like that. and now i'm left with the worst feeling in the world. regret that i can't be with the only girl i ever loved. regret that i said things i shouldn't have. regret that i am stuck now in this pit of sorrow alone. completely alone. i dont want to live anymore. there is no reason.

i always seem to keep trying. i tell myself never to give up but in my head i really dont care for many things i just keep telling myself that i care when i really dont but its come to the point that i do care about some things. one is my girlfriend at the moment. at first i didnt think it would last. then i kept trying. it pulled back and forth until i became content and now im in a happy caring stage. i never thought id be able to care about somebody other than myself and family until i came to this point in life and i finally can. i genuinely worry about every little aspect more than i care about myself to the point where i become paranoid sometimes... little things bug me and i always ignore them looking at the positives. and sometimes i know im being naive but i look the other way. relationships are compromise and i know i cant be overbearing but ive just become so happy and accustomed i feel content with my life and dont want to lose it so i put in my every effort. im not prepared to let it go now. ive come to that stage and im willing to fight for it if i have to because it means more than a first to me. i just pray to myself that the way i am now isnt going to lose me the things i hold dear... i just want to believe im the one.

since everyone thinks my blog is only about depressing posts i'll try and lighten up the scene some more. even through all the ups and downs of the last few months where i really only talk here about the downs, i've become a happier person in general i think as i've been maturing and growing up faster than expected. i'm at the point where i'm past all the immaturity and i really started to think more clearly than i used to and it's nicer. i feel happier and more confident about myself in general. before, i didn't really know what i wanted and i was always focused on trying to do what i'm supposed to do and what others expect from me but i gave up caring and do what i want to do rather than pretend to be someone im not. even though i used to be fine showing that fake side, its not who i am. id rather be true to myself right now than play someone else and as long as i have someone beside me, im okay. im happy and i wouldnt want it any other way.

i always put effort into the things i do when i feel its worth it and i sacrifice more than i get more often than not. im used to it that way, im used to being used and just following certain procedures and stereotypes but when you stop and really think if its what you want before you act. you change yourself. and when you find out whether you generally enjoy doing things then it makes things more worthwhile and lets you put more effort into them and willing to take further steps if that made any sense at all. i think people get caught up too much in stereotypes, they drag you down but you really need to think about what makes you happy personally as a person and then follow that because in the end your happiness is your own and your the one making the decisions for that. if youre happy doing nothing with your life. and if youre happy being a billionaire playboy. it doesnt matter, as long as youre happy. thats the difference. a happy person is a happy person. a sad person is a sad person. regardless of circumstance, you are yourself so make it happen (:

when you keep trying to create a sense of uniformity and simplicity into your life you're inevitably only going to hurt yourself. there is nothing simple about life and when you try to make it seem simple and not so bad, thats when youre throwing yourself into false hopes and you'll end up trashed, alone and lifeless. theres too much pain everywhere and from everything, people like myself are always putting themselves down from that low self esteems stems branches of more sadness and sorrow and its just too hard to climb back, even with help youre only just going to be left at the bottom tunneling deeper into your own pit of shit. i keep telling myself everythings alright and theres nothing to worry about even when theres a million things shooting through my head and when you keep forcing those things to the back of your head, eventually theres not going to be any space left to store it which is why i forget. forgetting is easier than forgiving. my life isn't so holy that i can easily forgive even though its seemingly the right thing to do. this springs more traps, trips and when youre left with all these insecurities about yourself and those around you, you don't know what to trust or believe in anymore and its really quite empty. im really quite empty right now... just floating on.

there comes a point in everybody's life where they grow up. we're not children anymore, we can't get away with the same privileges we were blessed with when we were children, even simple things like leisure time. we're always constantly looking towards the future, in our childhood to adulthood, we spend our lives trying to form an education so we have a better chance for a good career to be able to live our life independently and the better you do that apparently the better life will be in the future. we live based on assumptions but in reality we're spared little truth.

these days i'm finding it hard to differentiate myself from reality to the point i dont feel like im living. there will always be times we look back at the past but i tell myself to never regret the choices ive made and the choices ive made have increasingly been based upon that. you say whats the point in living. whats the point in anything really. there is no point for me, i do what i feel like doing in the moment. there is no point overthinking things and you need to live for the small things you enjoy so perhaps there can be a bigger moment in the future. recently though.. i feel like im moving in slow motion and everyone is so predictable. easy to read and the dnms i used to have, theyre gone. the people and the problems. i have no real problems and i dont need help. and i know its wrong for me to feel like this but i just feel like the matters they worry about are so trivial and simple that theyre fucking idiots for thinking about such things to the point it feel like its a waste.  the point is i have no right to feel like this when academically by the worlds standards im falling behind in every way. i lack in every single way and there is no motivation for myself. instead of motivating myself ive been concerned with motivating others and in the end im not prioritising myself anymore. i dont feel that im worth the effort and the way ive been treated by the people around me, the way my friends have disappeared, my achievements and the lack of human communication i have currently compared to how i used to be is surprising. there have been points in my life where im comfortable being alone, where i want to be with other people and where i tell myself i want to be alone or with other people. growing up, ive disregarded my own wants and focused more on keeping my life as simple as possible.

 people have this contrived notion that doing certain activities will make change, people smoke, drink alcohol, do illicit drugs for some purpose in trying to change. change will always come, whether you force/want it or not. you never really know whether its for the better or the worse and in life youre living with so many unknown choices but recently i know ive changed. and the only thing im really noticing right at this moment is that nobody is thinking about me. nobody. whether you are alone physically, mentally or emotionally.. it doesn't help when you can't even believe in your own abilities. everyone knows this but there really is no point in trying to protect others, when you can barely protect yourself. there is no point trying to protect people, when you cant even protect the one closest to you.

happiness doesn't last. i'm really alone in this world. left with nobody, my bodys shaking with fear, so alone...

even though everything has become real im forcing myself to believe im still dreaming. when things go right i tell myself that somethings not right and its a dream so i dont generate false hope. hope breaks people. youre better off not knowing what happiness and serenity is then having it and losing it in a blink of an eye. it leaves you hopeless, wasted and still hoping youll wake up from this dream. my life changed. i fought out of that emptiness i was entrapped within, climbed out of the pit only to be thrown back in broken and unable to climb ever again. weak. alone.

i used to feel isolated in this world but its only escalating. physical distance. mental distance. social distance. everything has just become distant and now im trapped in my own world without anyone to pull me out. im logical and i have considered almost every alternative and i am unable to meet people or bring people into my life easily. i dont have friends to bring more people in my life and the ones i do have are there when convenient. i keep trying. fighting. and im still here alone. i have my family but i cant tell them. i have friends but i cant rely on them. i have myself but with the decisions ive made i find it hard to trust myself even.

i think too methodically. everything haa become a process and necessity to remain constant and normal rather than instinctual or spontaneous. i lost that part of me and im not interesting. im not comforting enough. i think ive gotten too caught up in people  i understand how people think, what they want to hear and even though i disagree with their thought process i know what to say. my actions are done through perceived norms and i find little comfort in anything anymore. i think ive lost myself while trying to construct myself to expectations and in reality, i am created by other people, no personality. dry, weak and fucking useless.

my body aches and yearns and im fighting every inch of my body trying to resist. my brain, heart and body are going against everything they believe in and its tearing me to pieces. i just feel so weak right now...

my insecurities have always surfaced when im like this but every fear is haunting me and practically choking me to death. i need.. something that will keep me going. im really plunging down here and im feeling more alone than i ever have. in so much pain.

these past few months have been the most intense moments of my youthful life. ive experienced more than i couldve imagined, in both positive and negative ways. even though ive been thrown into some pretty complex situations and i havent handled myself in the best way i could, right now i am content. im satisfied with the way i am living and just happy in general. ive actually had the most excruciatingly emotionally painful moments of my life but also the happiest. and once youve known those happy moments, you dont forget them ever.

theres so many things i wish could be. too many wants as usual and they list is only getting longer. my own place. my own car.... to be independent. ive come to terms and slowed down my expected lifepace. i used to be rushed, my head was spinning with thoughts and the immediate thought that everything had to be done now or ill miss the opportunity or something will go wrong  ive always been fixated that im not good enough and im the one to blame but in reality when i stop thinking like that and slow down to the pace of life as it is now then everything is smoother and more relaxed. to be honest, my life now has little pressure. university twice a week and if i stop overthinking like i have been after high school my brain can keep up. i was smarter and simpler in high school because i refused distractions and i had one goal of getting a good hsc mark and with a goal comes purpose vice versa.

if i stop and look at the lighter simplicities in life that people take for granted then im able to appreciate what i have more. and im grateful for how my life has turned out and how i see it going.

i have my answer. im not enough.

dont wake me up. dont wake me.. dont wake me up  up up up up up up ~
everything been feeling like a fairytale, some unrealistic dream, some drama that i've only ever dreamed of. i never thought in my life that i could care about somebody or somebody could care about me to the level that only ever existed in my fantasies. its a little wavering, makes me feel like im not really alive and that im gonna wake up oneday and realise once again that im alone. i cant help but have negative thoughts, my whole life ive been living thinking pessimistically about everything to the point where i know i can deal with anything that comes my way because i know theres always worse things out there. i dont get phased easy and i dont get angry easy anymore either. i just feel so lifeless. this holidays all ive been doing with my life is working and gymming and i look at my bank account and theres no money in it. i think have i even been working. i look at my body and i think have i even been gymming. i look exactly the same. its all just a little demoralising and it makes me feel that maybe everything ive had and known is really a dream which is why nothing is really progressing. it just makes me wish my life would skip forward to some point where id realise im alive. i can feel that im alive. to a point where i can feel content with myself... im really not okay.

never been so tossed, turned and thrown down so roughly in my life. im at the stage in my life where you want things you cant get. not purely materialistically either but as ive said before my life would be tenfolds easier with money which is why everyone in this world works hard to earn money because it keeps the world rotating. sometimes i really cant express myself fast enough or with words that are understandable. i feel so helpless when it occurs... i really don't know how to get properly angry anymore. i feel like im telling myself in my head that i should be angry and this is what you should do when youre angry rather than actually being so caught up in the act that my brain loses control. ive put up barriers inside myself to prevent that and sometimes i just want to lose control. i want to be able to get angry and say things without resisting, do things without restraint because that would at least make me feel more normal. my emotions are still there but its just harder to completely let go this past year. is there something about me that makes me untrustable? out of guys, i think if somebody is genuine with me i can give them my all, i always keep my word, i look out for my friends, used to giving more than i take and thats just how i am. i need to be serious with myself, and simple and outright with others.

for some reason i feel like talking about the hopelessness of humanity. humans are born with so many faults, more faults than can be accounted for, they differ from person to person and when somebody sees a big enough fault it makes them not want to communicate with another human being and these faults differ again from person to person and hence there are too many complexities and vulnerabilities in humankind. every single person is different in terms of how their brain works and how they regard different things and then there are stereotypical morals, ethical and social values that must be held dear and an arrangement of other sort of protocols for different types of situations and whilst everyone is conditioned to these same protocols everyone reacts to everything differently to the point where sometimes people lose control of themselves and don't know what they're doing, don't know what they're saying which is another step back in humanity. fuck humanity. there are too many complexities and problems already without further problems being thrown up upon. why do i have to do this, why do i have to do that, why do i do this, why do i do that. you know what, instead of worrying why you do this, making excuses, reasons or whatever you want to call for that, people need to do what makes them comfortable as a human being that has been conditioned in the world we live in and what makes them happy and able to live with themselves as a person, sure everyone makes mistakes however if you make a decision you have to live with the consequences you made from those choices. from left to right i could go on talking about all this pointless things except it would create no relevance to anything i am saying or doing and since i am talking about this pointlessness in the first place, why do people make blogs and talk about pointless things like this and who sits around reading pointless things that i write like this. its really quite ...

i used to be content in my life with nothing. i could amuse myself in a book and be immersed for days. later on i could amuse myself in games and be immersed for weeks. now, i cant even immerse myself in something for a few hours. ive lost touch with those small things in life and can't settle myself because my desires keep growing and i found myself stuck at the barrier of time amongst other things. ive managed to exert my self control to a level higher than i could have ever imagined. i can cover and control my emotions in a way that i didn't actually think was possible, to the point where im forcing myself to pretend that im emotional on occassion by bending myself to stereotypical actions involved with situations which i think isn't a good sign for my wellbeing. most of all, i think i need some security in my life, even if its just momentary or insignificant, i think ill let myself try.

even though this is technically the most strenuous moment of my angsty teenage life, i somehow feel the most at peace i have in a long time. i know its all jumbled and its hard for me to get my brain around things but mixed in this jumble is the happiest moments of my teenage life too. i think ive clarified between the different parts of my life that made it me always worrying, stressed and all tightened up. sure, that is never going to go away but somehow now i think i feel a little more at ease, even if its just a little bit and i feel that i can go somewhere and that there is perhaps a better future out there for me because id rather strive for gold or nothing with no regrets even if the chances are lower than you can think, then be complacent with silver.