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Archive for January 2012
everything just seems like its wearing me down. nobody helps lighten the load, it only gets heavier and its getting harder to keep standing strong. the only thing left are merely dreams, hope... the impossible.
when you've come to this point, all you can do is stand hopeless and alone pitying yourself.
the pain you left me, the pain you made, it will stay forever. whenever i think of that time, all the times that you lost my trust it just stirs me up and renews that pain. people aren't worth the effort. i've heard it time and time again, if people want to be in your life, they'll make the effort. all i feel lately is im forcing myself.. im forcing myself to make conversations with people, im forcing myself for everything. ive lost my energy mentally, not physically and nothings worth anything anymore.
girls, no matter how beautiful you are. you're not worth the chase.
guys, no matter how much you say, your actions don't follow it.
friends, where are you when i need you, im only there for your convenience.
im not some second option, fuck off.
love doesn't die over time or age or anything else.
it dies from lack of effort, insecurities, fear. your weaknesses.
i miss that sense of normality i had in my hsc studying days. i woke up early every morning to drive to macquarie university to study all day. everyday was set out, everyday was straight forward, everyday i didn't have to worry about all the real life problems. my parents cared about me and would pay for food and everything, now i come out of it and im poor and i cant even afford to use my drivers license, pay for a phone or anything. i miss being able to drive to the library without a worry, not having to worry about petrol lying back and being happy listening to the same music play on repeat on the cars radio. i miss being able to go library and knowing ill see my friends. people i like and even people i dont like. the 14 hours that passed seemed like nothing, now even a minute seems like a lifetime. i got there early in a hope that i would be able to see my friends for longer, study harder and become a better person. now im struggling and not living. the sad thing is if i never came back, no one would honestly care.
happy new years.
every year, every day even i try my best. i don't need a new year to tell me that i have to work harder for my goals, for things that i truly desire. my night was as dull as reflective as the past few weeks. sitting here thinking to myself, wishing that i had something to say something to, say anything to.
was reading someones blog and decided to do these.
a girl who's worth it.
someone who i can talk with and be completely comfortable. who i can talk with and don't have to force myself to talk to or talk with. moments of silence, laughter, chatter, they make me happy. where they won't judge me based on this or that, where they take me for the person they know me, not the person they heard i was. someone who can light up my heart when i see them, hear them, even see something they do not even related to me. when that someone can make me happy. where they love me without hesitation. someone who takes pride in who they are, who respects me, cares for me but most of all trusts me. who is beautiful in every aspect in my eyes because thats all that truly matters. someone who doesn't play around with other guys. someone who doesn't turn their back on you the second they hear something they don't like. where life isn't made into dramatic decisions, where its simple and happy.
those type of friends.
those friends who you know you can utterly trust with any secret. those friends who care enough about you to put an effort to keep you in their lives, and try to make you into a better person and aren't concerned about their own selfish needs. who don't blame you for their own faults, who would have your back and listen to you when times are rough, be there for you in the happy times and stay by you. someone who actually cares about you as a friend. thats all i need.
ps. those moments when i look through every single one of your blogposts i've made over the years. seeing how i've matured as a person, how my morals haven't changed and how i respect my past and present self for not changing those morals. no matter how depressing those memories may have been. how much pain i may have suffered and how much unnecessary conflict has flown through my life, i was able to stay strong and make it this far. thank you cameron.
