redemption.

its funny how good things can turn into bad things so suddenly.
take for example, you're playing adventure quest and then bam. you realise the two hours you just spent playing it was wasted because you can't get that item without being guardian. T life.
honestly, im sick of my T life. i realised it really doesn't matter what anybody says to me because nothing is gonna change.
words mean nothing besides actions. and actions mean nothing if you don't think about them before you do them. all links back to what people truly think and desire. but i can't think, i got high blood pressure which means my heads gonna blow up. blood vessels bursting, woooo...

nba2k12.
there goes the rest of my HSC. wahh, must resist.

im feeling a little bit better after long sleep. my minds more clear and everything. its really almost the end of HSC and i gotta get out there in the real world, get a proper job so i can actually have money to go out and all that. looking forward to it. heads up!

i find it really really hard to respect people who pretend they like one person and then oblivious to other people hitting on them but then reciprocate that person's flirtations... its just hard to respect people like that. like actually. people can't be oblivious to people cheesing with them honestly, theres a limit. you know when someone is cheesing with you or you're just not very smart, sorry. and if you know you're cheesing with multiple people, then theres something wrong with you, especially if you're seeing one person, like actually established that you're seeing each other. those people aren't worth your time, better to ignore them and move on with life. people who can't respect your feelings for them by playing around with other people too, they don't fucking deserve your feelings and efforts. they don't fucking deserve shit all.  and no, that wasn't hypothetical. people aren't so stupid to not notice when you're flirting with other people, just be honest with yourself and man the fuck up and stop being a fucking massive cheesewhore. its one of the most unattractive and pathetic things, it doesn't even make other guys jealous its just a turn off.

two seasons of nba2k11 and im finally 99 overall.
woo....

thats just fucking disrespectful, shallow and pathetic. people who are rude themselves, talk shit and just plain disrespectful to others, blocking people who are having a chat which is actually meaningful or just talking. its still disrespectful you don't go bitch like a fucking disgusting little rat to all your little ugly little shitcunt friends and then get them to talk shit from over 20metres away. you think thats fucking tough? no its the lowest of the low. you shouldn't even be standing, go dig a hole and bury yourself under it so no one has to see you or listen to the shit that comes from your mouth.

i honestly HATE people like that. people who have no common sense, people who step over boundaries without realising the consequences and not being able to know when to step back. its even worse when they're female, if guys talk shit, they get hit, if girls talk shit... its just sad. they should tell their boyfriends so we can deck them, oh wait, they're too fucking chat to even know anything. they don't know what its like in the real world. they don't know shit. and yes, i know im swearing a lot but its fun. :)

some people deserve to just be hit. there are some people that don't learn even after being hit, again and again and again. people say violence can't solve problems but in the end, eventually it will. words can hurt more than fists ever can, but its in a different way you know...
i think my tendencies to beat the shit out of someone have risen again, uh oh...
LOL. its worse because im eighteen and if i hit somebody i can be put in jail. i must resist. must resist... MUST.
i must resist that lovely temptation to one hit ko somebody, smash their face into a brick wall and then kick their mangled body across the ground because thats just not something a good person would do eh?
i literally still imagine beating up people when i see them sometimes though, depending on the surrounding, say for now, theres some ugly white cunt sitting across me in a pink jacket and he looks like a massive prick. he just has that aroma, i want to just grab his laptop, smack it across his face, jump over the table and kick his head in. stomp on that ugly face... HAHAHA. theres nothing wrong with that. its just in my thoughts anyway, i have a vivid imagination about these sort of things. all this is hypothetically speaking, if theres was a person, just using i because i can type it faster like that and because im thinking up the situation of course.. so shoooooo. can't a person have thoughts like that to himself without something being up? im a messed up kid. get over it. i wanna go never back down style, gets me pumped!

but honestly, heads up to all the people with no respect out there in this world. i don't believe in karma one bit but if you piss off enough people, its only a matter of time.

somethings are better left unsaid, somethings are better left unseen and inevitably, somethings are better left ignored. people try with all their might to ignore things, to forget things, to forget the bad, remember the new but thats just not how life works, it comes back, lying on your shoulder like your shadow ready to devour you.

anyone ever have those times when you're just sick of the shit, need to go take some time to yourself. even if its only 10 minutes. you need to clear your head from all the shit thats going around you. people keep assuming things about you, people keep doing things around you 'unconsciously' that hurt you and when you just feel down, you're just out of the game. you know when you're out of the game when you take 30 minutes to walk to your car, little kids are overtaking you and you're singing random sad made up songs when you can't even sing.. hypothetically speaking. that person musn't have a nice car either if they're doing something sad like that. it probably needs to be cleaned, and they probably need to stop venting their stress by speeding and overtaking randoms for the slim chance that they might fuck up and end up in hospital where somebody might actually come and visit you and realise all the shit you've been through or hope that someone's secretly following you listening to your sorrows and might just give you a great big hug from behind. how f'ing cute... jokes. that would be a strange hypothetical situation.

but yeah legit. it honestly feels like im talking to myself. people don't really make an effort to talk to me unless they expect something out of me or because they just ran out of other people to talk to, this isn't hypothetical. i can just lay there for hours wondering whether anybody ever thinks about me the way i think about them. probably only the ones which i want to smack in the face, that probably goes both ways. or maybe im just messed up like that, but i can't hit people in the face, assault, i might go to jail! nah i'm lost for what to say properly now. work my thoughts away, everyone keeps saying after hsc after hsc, honestly, nothing is going to change for me after hsc. some things are better left unblogged.

i honestly don't think people realise how hard it is being half white. i have to live with the disadvantages, have to live with the shit i cope, and live with the crap it brings with it. im not included into the white community but im not included properly into the asian community either. i can't speak any asian language well and ... its just sad. everything about it, don't even want to talk about it.

hypothetically speaking, people sacrifice a lot for their friends, they let a lot of things go that they really shouldn't let go, they do a lot of things that people seriously don't deserve even a little and worst of all, they do it with a smiling face. sometimes that face can't stay there, its not something you can just stick on and leave it like there. sometimes... honestly, no matter how much you want something, no matter how much you wish things would be that way, no matter how much you ... they say that if you try hard enough for something, you will succeed. you know what i say? fucking bullshit. its all fucking bullshit. i've tried hard my whole life and i've gotten nowhere. im eighteen and alone as ill say once fucking again and i'm not even doing well in school. i don't have much of a social network, woo for facebook thingo reference.. but fuck. fuckity fuck fuck fuck. all of this is bullshit. you know, i honestly put my whole hearted effort into some things and it doesn't even remotely pay off. take for example my trial exams, i honestly studied more than any other student in my school for those exams, you could not have studied more than me in that period of time unless you sleep less than me which i highly doubt. and look what it gave me, last place in half my subjects and bottom 20 in the rest. fucking joke. life is a fucking joke. everythings a fucking joke. eighteen years living a fucking joke. sick of it. and the saddest thing is like, hypothetically speaking, if you just cry it out nothings going to happen, if you try to make something happen, nothings going to happen and unless you just act against all morals and ethics, nothing is going to happen. fact of my life.

people who do small things and think i don't notice but are doing it consciously... that just pisses the fuck out of me. its like they just do those small things to all people, you can pretend to a certain limit, but there is a limit. people step over those limit with those small things and the only part that annoys me is that they're consciously doing it... its a joke. they're only kidding themselves. people who pretend that i wouldn't notice that sort of thing.. if you do it more subtly? maybe not, if you do it outright? obviously i will. and if you fucking try to be sly about it.. that just makes it even sadder. people need to get some fucking morals. people need to realise some of the things they do are hurting other people, need to fucking kill that selfish and arrogant nature and shove it into a brick wall along with their face.

you know that sudden wave of loneliness you get when its the middle of HSC and you're the only one online at 3:10am in the morning? nobody on MSN. nobody on skype but you just can't sleep. forever fucking alone. oh wait, no you don't cus im the only one up...

i really don't know why, im not even sleepy. yesterday i lay in bed for 2 hours talking to myself, same the night before that. i don't know whats wrong with me, maybe i don't need sleep. and by the way, that girl in the picture leaves me speechless. happiness ♥

16.6 repeated percent of my way through my HSC.
ill be done soon enough, just going to nerd maths
for the next week even through my birthday.
LOVE MY LIFE.
if it weren't for all these formspring trolls, my days would be filled with boredom. the one about my hair hurt my feelings but, not my fault im not born with godlike hair.

shitting bricks.

its a little strange how the people i least expected to become good friends a year ago have suddenly become great friends.. better then great sometimes. far out, its a little emotional LOL i love some of these guys sometimes, seriously.. its great to know that people got my back even if it feels like theres no one there all the time. but honestly, greater friends then id ever thought id have. these last few months have been good even though ive been studying hard. hope it pays off.

HSC drawing nearer and gotta keep studying. keep my chin up yeah. :D gr

my half a moment of happiness is complete now. kodoubleu replied to me too. she's really just .. like a fantasy.

i really like kodoubleu... she made my day again. was feeling crap and now that few minutes just calmed down. [:

 theres only so much shit a person can take before they crack. i'm not here forever, i'm not there when its convenient to you and especially when all it does is bring pain. sometimes, when people get hurt over and over again, if they truly want something, they just keep getting up but eventually they'll stay down and never get back up. you can't keep hitting them down over and over.. unless you at least pull them up a little although it will probably end up with more pain, that short few moments might just be worth it...
too many thoughts been passing through my head with HSC and times just flying literally.. i could just lie for hours in the middle of a grassy patch at macquarie university after library and no one would ever know. no one would ever care, and that fucking hurts that something like that can happen. sometimes when im walking away.. i really just imagine someone coming up and grabbing me from behind. im sad and romantic like that.. jokes...
and this picture on the bottom i couldn't resist posting. she's beautiful, gorgeous and pretty yet hot at the same time. its people like that where you just think.. im not good enough.. never good enough.

when i saw this i couldn't resist but show the world. i love 2NE1 and when sungha jung plays 12 strings like that... dayum. :D

i hate it how you can get annoyed, saddened or angry at someone and then the next day you just forget that it happened then it comes back to you and you're not as emotional, you know you shouldn't treat them the same but you do anyway because.. true friends forgive?

OMG. new fairy tail OP, its nice. and new episode. i love it. my favourite anime now, sorry clannad. :x you'll be forever remembered. it made my day. week...month. :D

wow. i just felt a sudden wave of hopelessness, insecurity and uselessness.its like you know you're being used, you never get credit for anything you do and people just take advantage of you and everything you think, do or even ... just everything. i really wish HSC would just end now so all my fantasies would come to a halt as time just keeps on flowing.

sometimes, i feel like people depend on me or that i just have a need to want to help them... but then again, the shitty feeling when you realise they dont even need you or they dont even want you to help them... or you're just beingia negfnbeaeaaefah....its amusing how my craving for kbbq turns into an asian orgy. there goes the chill.