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been feeling out of it still. sometimes i think that its better, just not to think about any of it. thinking brings complication and complication brings pain. sometimes i actually feel that im going to die young. everything just gets you down and ive just been trying to keep out of it, when somebody says something that pisses me off or makes me sad, ignore it, if somebody tries to make me do something, ignore it. theres no point putting effort into something that doesnt deserve it and if you let it worked up it only makes you weaker. atm, i have work/gym to take my mind off things so im coping.
in the end, just turned back to impassive.
i think im a little bit of a coward. i always tell myself that i know i can do things but prefer not to, i can tell people anything but they don't need to know it if they don't ask... im always waiting for the opportunity. i always tell myself, if i keep waiting then someday something good will happen, someday someone will come to me, someday something will happen but it really wont. and somewhere in the back of my head i know that. and somewhere in the back of my head, i know how alone i actually am in this world. realising at 4am in the morning, realising at 4pm in the afternoon. realising your whole life, you have no one to really talk to.
those lyrics hurt... my heart is weathered, tired from the pain, i thirst for something more than any worldly gain. they try to break me, steal the love you give so i need you more every moment of the day.
was reading keith's blog and it reminded me of myself lately a little. i've been overthinking everything, digging to deep into what could be, what i think should be, what i actually want and ending up nowhere. i keep getting caught up on this and that thought and before i know it my body's going faster than my brain. i can't catch up and can't deal with it and before i know it, i catch up and am left with a bunch of regrets. the more and more i think of the 'perfect' girl for me, keep thinking that there is one that is perfect then you get caught up and miss what could've been. i told myself this already over six months ago but im just letting my emotions play for themselves, and in the end im left worse off, more alone and in the hardest pain ive felt in the last few years. the worst part is that i recognise where i went wrong, what i coudl of done and shouldve done and i think over this last year its been the biggest life changer. just so much has happened, and in these last six months, it feels like nothings happening, but somethings happening but times just flowing and now im at the end of my first year of uni with more regret then ever. telling myself to live life with no regrets but doing so brings worse regrets. ttm. bye.
i dont know what to do with my life now. im at an impasse. everywhere i look im just staring blankly. everywhere i go, i dont know where im really walking. i need to quit looking at my feet and thinking where they'll take me and decide where to go but even saying that, i still can't take that step forward.
i just want to sleep and forget about the world around me. theres really nothing worth living for in it. ive been living for these false illusions of a better future but everything is just a dream. and at the moment, im just sore and sick of it. i dont understand why im just so unsatisfied with life. ive made better friends than i had in high school, ive laughed more and matured more but its come to the point where you dont know whats what anymore. i feel like i can have a serious conversation with someone and they wont understand how serious i am and the sad thing is that theres nothing to talk about, no one to talk with and nothing left to give. sometimes you need to shed a tear to force a smile.
im in the biggest slump at the moment, its like falling into the ditch in batman.. but i dont even have the motivation to pull myself out. one of the worst feelings is having something and then losing it. everyone knows that. like in naruto, sasuke had parents but lost them which is more painful then never having parents to begin with. i just have to get my head around life or at least around something seemingly a little real. im just lost by myself in the middle of fucking nowhere and when i look back it makes me think how i got to this point in the first place. by doing nothing. im always doing nothing and everything just looks depressing from this point of view now im trying hard to smile.
