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one moment. everything feels so real. second moment, its blown away by reality. third moment. you're standing in the distance. last moment. you realise you're far far away.
people are amazing, i can't even begin to comprehend where people get their motivation from, their talents, everything. example, you look at an actual celebrity, thousands, millions of people seen them, know them, love them. and in reality, they're no older than i am. now me, i look at myself, and somebody i met five times can't even remember my name. makes you wonder what you've worked so hard for, what you've lived for, and sometimes makes me think, fuck life.
i think i've watched the go away mv over and over again since my friend linked me to something than somehow i got back to that mv. mightve been after watching lonely mv :D something about CL still takes me away. whether her hairs that perfect shade of blonde, or black. -ngah. ♥somebody asked me yesterday, why don't you like white chicks and linked me to a picture of some tanned white 14 year old in a bikini... um no. :s thats not even attractive for some reason. i can't explain it by my answer is right there. when i see a gorgeous asian, something about it just makes me happy :D i still don't know how to put it in words.
let me tell you a lovely story my friend told me today to break up anything too personal HAHA. um, well he was at macquarie library the other day, and he had to go toilet and there were these two girls lying across the corridor and he was like excuse me, and as he went to jump over their legs, he farted in one of their faces. LOL. and he looked back and she like had a funny face and he just legged it. omg, so embarassing. :L
its strange, sad yet wonderful how people can just pop in and out of your life. you think about it, look back through the years, how many friends you have had, lost, gained, lost again, seen, never seen.. sometimes theres just some people i know im not like, cant ever be close friends or friends sometimes. sometimes. urgh. but thats life, it brings happiness and sadness.
you know something else funny, today i had my interview and yes, they did make me feel fucking stupid, my atar estimate is low 80s. what can i say, thats just the extent of my intelligence. IQ doesn't mean shit. :\ school is a different life skill. well, in the interview i wrote like an essay, the teacher even called it an essay LOL but he was like, you're able to articulate your words very well. im like ._. thanks sir. i won't go further but yeah, story of my life.
hm. theres something about certain things just make me happy, but the most of those other things even things which are meant to be happy just make me down. whether i show it, or whether i break through it with my typical cliche words have been turned into double puns, 'don't worry.' sometimes its because i don't want to tell them, sometimes its because they're just too difficult to tell, sometimes its just because they don't even remotely understand. but what can you do?
in the end, its all the same thing, excuses. sometimes i try to deal with those insecurities, sometimes little things such as somebody saying they recognised me, or saw me someplace, someone who actually wants to talk with me, a genuine compliment, even seeing somebody whos stunning. it makes the world all seem more real, and reinforces that im just another small part of it, waiting to fit into that trend. the world seems so small yet so large and yet i still can't admit that i want things that other people have, jealousy gets the best of me once again. (:
love maribelle anes's songs. :s make me happy. going boombox on sunday hopefully.
ALSO, my new formspring background/desktop background makes me happy too. yay. :D
playing omgpop by myself, thats quite sad. :s
honestly, i use to think that it was hard to talk to other people, and my body keeps on telling me not to tell other people these things, but sometimes it just comes out you know. not everything, but little bit by little bit, you're letting yourself out but i still sit there wondering what i am, who i am to myself to others and everything. i kept on telling myself, i have enough problems and that i don't need to hear other peoples problems, but when they're actual worries its nice, not like oh my god, im too lazy to get up to do something, fml. :s
the worst thing about life is how unfair it is, but thats reality, everything cant be a dream no matter how much you wish for it, and nothings perfect. we've been living in this world where things have become the norm and unusual. people are forced to say excuses to cover up for things which shouldn't have to be covered up on. guys aren't allowed to talk about their emotions, girls aren't allowed to get out of the kitchen. KIDDING. hah. i have a lovely sense of humour.. :s
but a friend, yes a friend was saying the other day how they don't like to be told what to do, if they want to do it, sometimes their friends/partner should let them do it, not force them not to do it out of some norm and use caring as an excuse. what is caring...? thats what im bummed out about. i don't think i'll forget those words, theres a limit to how much you care with somebody but obstructing them from what they want, their own personal happiness, thats not the way to go. although you might not agree with it, you're a hypocrite if you don't let them do it. a fucking hypocrite. [:
so many expectations have been cut down. its really amazing how people perceive other people. i've lived my life thinking about it from a less detailed outside perspective but when you get down to it, theres so many things about a person.
its the little things that matter, and its the big things that count.
people see big things, but it takes an aeon to realise what makes up that big thing, how those little things matter more and ultimately what everything and anything is. i've preoccupied my life with constantly attempting to wanting to be the best at this and that, i admit competitive spirit is good but what does it account to?
what i see, what i want, what i feel, as a great man once told me, ' follow your heart, your brain only screws things up. '
how can it be okay?
its not that i don't know anger,
its not that i don't feel its unfair,
and its not that I can't feel pain in my heart...
because i need to live.
while i'm alive nothing is over.
just because today was good,
my life isn't over.
and just because today was bad,
my life isn't over either.
good things and bad things,
they will all go away.
its not that i don't know anger,
its not that i don't feel its unfair,
and its not that I can't feel pain in my heart...
because i need to live.
while i'm alive nothing is over.
just because today was good,
my life isn't over.
and just because today was bad,
my life isn't over either.
good things and bad things,
they will all go away.
just for everybodys viewing pleasure, i will show you something lovely. LOL. [: an extract from my lovely luvo folder.
HAHAHAHA.
wasn't that lovely. my lovely transition over the last few months.
HAHAHAHA.
wasn't that lovely. my lovely transition over the last few months.
i still retain that i have never spiked my hair, that one was cus my hair was so dead it just stood up. i look so lovely and white. don't i? (:
anyways, my beautiful days gone, my beautiful hair gone and its back to being disturbingly short and fizzy. that was the main point. it dies worse than usual on the sides, and my fringe is ugly as ever! :D
okay, now to talk about something else after i astonished somebody with my luvo spam. i resisted posting up my hair now cus its all short, and i already have pretty dam bad regrowth, don't lift my hair up! haha, i'm probably going to dye it back to a medium-brown or maybe black in a couple of weeks!
i have been forced to like.. question a lot of things during these holidays and have concluded i am what i am. i can't be anything more, don't ask for more, don't ask for less, i don't know what i want from life and i don't know where i'm heading but my friend made me think. he was telling me that whats the point of all of this, say you get 99.95 atar, nobodys going to remember that even 5 years from now, and then when you're dead, you're just dust. i have been living my life trying to be happy, thats all that really matters isn't it, have those moments of temporary happiness to attempt to reach a point of permanence?
also, you know when you're attempting to recognise someone... you know i think carefully, sometimes i just like pause for a moment and like completely examine somebodys face, details and everything. i know that sounds sorta stalkerish but like ... it makes you think about how much you really know about a person. i also been thinking how i will never be able to look from another point of view, im restricted to first person my whole life.
also, my devo meter have gone on overload. my holidays is over, and i have nothing to show for it! i started out thinking i will make another great holiday, i already had two preplanned things which were going to great, meet all my friends i haven't seen in a while and new people and boom. cut me down, one managed to remake which turned out alright but yeah. its all over. HSC. fuck my life, i can say it over and over but its not going to stop the reality that im not in year 10 anymore, im in year 12, i have hsc and after that my life is in full kick. (: bring it on?
anyways, my beautiful days gone, my beautiful hair gone and its back to being disturbingly short and fizzy. that was the main point. it dies worse than usual on the sides, and my fringe is ugly as ever! :D
okay, now to talk about something else after i astonished somebody with my luvo spam. i resisted posting up my hair now cus its all short, and i already have pretty dam bad regrowth, don't lift my hair up! haha, i'm probably going to dye it back to a medium-brown or maybe black in a couple of weeks!
i have been forced to like.. question a lot of things during these holidays and have concluded i am what i am. i can't be anything more, don't ask for more, don't ask for less, i don't know what i want from life and i don't know where i'm heading but my friend made me think. he was telling me that whats the point of all of this, say you get 99.95 atar, nobodys going to remember that even 5 years from now, and then when you're dead, you're just dust. i have been living my life trying to be happy, thats all that really matters isn't it, have those moments of temporary happiness to attempt to reach a point of permanence?
also, you know when you're attempting to recognise someone... you know i think carefully, sometimes i just like pause for a moment and like completely examine somebodys face, details and everything. i know that sounds sorta stalkerish but like ... it makes you think about how much you really know about a person. i also been thinking how i will never be able to look from another point of view, im restricted to first person my whole life.
also, my devo meter have gone on overload. my holidays is over, and i have nothing to show for it! i started out thinking i will make another great holiday, i already had two preplanned things which were going to great, meet all my friends i haven't seen in a while and new people and boom. cut me down, one managed to remake which turned out alright but yeah. its all over. HSC. fuck my life, i can say it over and over but its not going to stop the reality that im not in year 10 anymore, im in year 12, i have hsc and after that my life is in full kick. (: bring it on?
there is no reason, no reason at all for anything.
- you've faced enough hardship for a lifetime.
- you've cried enough tears for a lifetime.
- you've hurt enough for a lifetime.
no more empty promises, please.
