redemption.

there comes a point in everybody's life where they grow up. we're not children anymore, we can't get away with the same privileges we were blessed with when we were children, even simple things like leisure time. we're always constantly looking towards the future, in our childhood to adulthood, we spend our lives trying to form an education so we have a better chance for a good career to be able to live our life independently and the better you do that apparently the better life will be in the future. we live based on assumptions but in reality we're spared little truth.

these days i'm finding it hard to differentiate myself from reality to the point i dont feel like im living. there will always be times we look back at the past but i tell myself to never regret the choices ive made and the choices ive made have increasingly been based upon that. you say whats the point in living. whats the point in anything really. there is no point for me, i do what i feel like doing in the moment. there is no point overthinking things and you need to live for the small things you enjoy so perhaps there can be a bigger moment in the future. recently though.. i feel like im moving in slow motion and everyone is so predictable. easy to read and the dnms i used to have, theyre gone. the people and the problems. i have no real problems and i dont need help. and i know its wrong for me to feel like this but i just feel like the matters they worry about are so trivial and simple that theyre fucking idiots for thinking about such things to the point it feel like its a waste.  the point is i have no right to feel like this when academically by the worlds standards im falling behind in every way. i lack in every single way and there is no motivation for myself. instead of motivating myself ive been concerned with motivating others and in the end im not prioritising myself anymore. i dont feel that im worth the effort and the way ive been treated by the people around me, the way my friends have disappeared, my achievements and the lack of human communication i have currently compared to how i used to be is surprising. there have been points in my life where im comfortable being alone, where i want to be with other people and where i tell myself i want to be alone or with other people. growing up, ive disregarded my own wants and focused more on keeping my life as simple as possible.

 people have this contrived notion that doing certain activities will make change, people smoke, drink alcohol, do illicit drugs for some purpose in trying to change. change will always come, whether you force/want it or not. you never really know whether its for the better or the worse and in life youre living with so many unknown choices but recently i know ive changed. and the only thing im really noticing right at this moment is that nobody is thinking about me. nobody. whether you are alone physically, mentally or emotionally.. it doesn't help when you can't even believe in your own abilities. everyone knows this but there really is no point in trying to protect others, when you can barely protect yourself. there is no point trying to protect people, when you cant even protect the one closest to you.

happiness doesn't last. i'm really alone in this world. left with nobody, my bodys shaking with fear, so alone...

even though everything has become real im forcing myself to believe im still dreaming. when things go right i tell myself that somethings not right and its a dream so i dont generate false hope. hope breaks people. youre better off not knowing what happiness and serenity is then having it and losing it in a blink of an eye. it leaves you hopeless, wasted and still hoping youll wake up from this dream. my life changed. i fought out of that emptiness i was entrapped within, climbed out of the pit only to be thrown back in broken and unable to climb ever again. weak. alone.

i used to feel isolated in this world but its only escalating. physical distance. mental distance. social distance. everything has just become distant and now im trapped in my own world without anyone to pull me out. im logical and i have considered almost every alternative and i am unable to meet people or bring people into my life easily. i dont have friends to bring more people in my life and the ones i do have are there when convenient. i keep trying. fighting. and im still here alone. i have my family but i cant tell them. i have friends but i cant rely on them. i have myself but with the decisions ive made i find it hard to trust myself even.

i think too methodically. everything haa become a process and necessity to remain constant and normal rather than instinctual or spontaneous. i lost that part of me and im not interesting. im not comforting enough. i think ive gotten too caught up in people  i understand how people think, what they want to hear and even though i disagree with their thought process i know what to say. my actions are done through perceived norms and i find little comfort in anything anymore. i think ive lost myself while trying to construct myself to expectations and in reality, i am created by other people, no personality. dry, weak and fucking useless.

my body aches and yearns and im fighting every inch of my body trying to resist. my brain, heart and body are going against everything they believe in and its tearing me to pieces. i just feel so weak right now...

my insecurities have always surfaced when im like this but every fear is haunting me and practically choking me to death. i need.. something that will keep me going. im really plunging down here and im feeling more alone than i ever have. in so much pain.