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Archive for January 2011
it felt like.. everything else just disappears. no past, no future, no problems, just the moment.
that was a memorable quote :o
that was a memorable quote :o
the ten most memorable people: im not sure if you meant memorable or important people so i'll just go with memorable.
- my bestfriend, his an amazing guy and id have his back on anything no matter what it is. sure his gone wrong at times, struggled but his never betrayed me, his fun to be around and the only friend i can trust over time. although we dont talk about things that often, and he may not regard me the same way, his reliable to me, and it makes me happy to know i have had someone like that over all these years. (:
- one of my bestfriends i thought i had, he once came on a holiday with me, although his been there for me at times and i have heaps of fun with him, his enjoyable to be around sometimes he just forgets about me, ignores me, and .. i dont know :\ it hurts okay. his still in my life, but its not the same from our once innocent year 7 bodies, good to know you but we're not as close as we use to be, and this time i have to say its your fault. im not one to lay blame, but i never turned my back on you.
- this can be a collective as one person, to all those people who i have talked to and stopped talking to over the years and we never talk anymore. from my once timid state as a year 7, to my now year 12 state in which i honestly dont care about anything anymore and i just do what needs to be done. i think ive improved. its better, i dont care what anyone else says. with each new person ive met ive changed, better or worse ive changed okay. (:
- i dont know why im doing smiley faces when im not even remotely happy, this goes to one of my close friends which left my school, honestly its made me cry before and just made me cry again. fuck my life and my sad moods. i had a lot of respect for that guy in every aspect, he made me smile when he smiled, and i could understand him to certain points, he wasn't one of those guys which were always happy and when he was sad i was extremely sympathetic to him, he had a harsher life than me but he strives through his errors. i dont talk to him at all anymore, and it pains me to think of what couldve been, i needed a friend like him in my life but look at me now seventeen and washed up.
- my other only close friend at my school now, this little guys always here for me and never let me down, always got my back unlike the other pricks in my school. his one of the greatest guys ive met and from the first moment in year 7 when i saw him he gave off that aura and i just had to be his friend. [: he deserves more words than this, but his amazing. through all the times we've had, he'll be there for me and wont judge me on it anymore than he already has.
- i should probably chuck a female in here or i might look gay. my first memorable female friend i met in an awkward situation, probably through bebo. (: and than i was like ooh, i want to know about them. and than i talked to them on msn, and day by day it made me happy talking to them. i felt i could talk to more things to them and ive forgotten what we use to talk about but occassionally we still talk . i met them twice but never talked properly in real life still. honestly, i ... dont worry.
- female two, hello female two. you are very memorable arent you, haha. ive started talking to you more once again, at one point in time you stopped talking to me and that hurt me so much but its alright now, i can forgive. i tend to forgive people a lot, everyone makes mistakes, even if people do it intentionally i can forgive their ill intentions but that doesnt prevent the fact that it hurts. anyway this certain person makes me happy which is one reason why i cant seem to forget about them. when.. actually i better not say this. they make me smile okay. (: they're a great person, and they deserve better sometimes i think. always have memories.
- female three, you .. i dont know. we're not even remotely close, but we use to talk a lot. you are quite whitewashed now i look back arent you. i dont know how long i talked to you for, or why i talked to you for that long. you're an interesting person, but i dont think our personalities matched, i dont know how we managed to talk so long. its quite strange, but its nice in its ways.
- female four, you .. i hate it when girls can take things the wrong way. for example, if i talk to a girl it does not mean i like her. this person reminds me of that in a way. have a lot of memories with them and to be honest, not one of those are positive but they helped me become more socially proactive? i thank them for that, and wish them luck in their future endeavours oh stranger . heh. i make lame jokes.
- female five, your group were the first group of females that i encountered. LOL. that was quite the awkward match. haha. my little year 7-8 self. thank you for coming to my basketball game. you know who you are if you ever read this. you're one of my closest female friends and i have to say your the female friend that ive known the longest who im still friends with. your a little crazy at times but not in a bad way! :L heh. go back to watching your dramas.
- i want to add this female six in, but i wouldnt really say theres any memories for them. there is one but i cant remember them, it was a while ago. but we're talking again due to my clumsiness on the phone and realised i texted the wrong person with the same name after a day. haha. (: your enjoyable talking to on msn, and one day we shall meet again!
10 events that have been significant to me! : i'll try but i'll probably forget most of the actually important ones
- all of these will be like.. boring. i really can't do this. HAHA. sorry x) events are things that are memories not recitable but memorable upon occassions. i cant just pop ten into my head. otherwise they'll be stereotypical things like, getting into OC, getting into HS, my first basketball game, my last basketball game, my first dunk. blah blah. sorry guest!
10 things that matter to me : a life's tale by cameron. LOL kidding. [: these aren't in any particular order!
- my friends and inner family, i dont care if i known them for 1 day or 10 years, a friend is a friend and for my true friends i would put my life on the line to protect them. that may sound like corny shit, but im not even joking, if anyone insulted my friend especially .. like this one kid is doing now. i would deck him in the face. know that. (:
- basketball, its one of the things in my life that keep me going. it gives me motivation, time to think and forget about things, its exercise and it makes me happy. although i dont like sweating :\ haha. :D
- orange juice, rich in vitamin C. jokes. D: it makes me happy, i can forget about everything and just .. be happy. [:
- food, like mangoes and strawberries, they're delicious and make my life just that little bit easier. thai food from next to my school is nice too!
- my academic results. they actually matter to me, i dont care what other people think although it can be hurtful at times, but if i can achieve to my own goal, it makes me happier although in studies it usually just makes me sadder x)
- my self image, to myself. how i present myself to others, whether im satisified by my own appearance at any one given time and if im not i have to work on it okay. :\ if your fat, you should be able to work to lose that weight if you have enough self respect for yourself and your body.. i dont know.
- music, everyone needs good music. it helps you in good and bad times, its a time consumer, allows you to think of more possibilities while bringing peace to your ears! haha. okay, i put that badly, but a good song is worth a lot to me.
- role models, everyone needs a role model or at least someone you can look up to. for me personally, it would be god, his always there for me, even though i may not be that religious at times in hard times i always turn to him when theres no one else there for me. maybe thats what religions about, being able to express yourself and release those emotions. otherwise, i would pick dwight howard. his amazing, he strives for his goals, his a funny guy, and a great basketball player. [: love him. heh.
- GOOD ANIME AND DRAMA. i need it, i havent been watching it recently as much but i think animes/drama ive watched helped me grow up a little, and little by little i beccame more aware, more social and better as a person in a way. its hard to say what makes a person better though.
- FINALLY, um. :\ -think cameron. i would go for something stereotypical here like health and safety. i use to have a list of the top 10 important things that my mum use to tell me, health, education, money, etc. LOL. (N) forget that. things like this are hard to list. heh. not everything always pops up into my head!
reflection on cameron's 2010.
right now, i've realised how much has happened in this last year and honestly, i have to say although i've had some of the toughest times, i've had the best year of my life. what made it up was the realisation of some things. just to name a few:
i'll type something else, those are more my thoughts now. heh. :s this year will be another year, i met amazing friends this year, came closer to some and lost some, but its all for the better on the outlook. all for the better, just keep telling yourself that cameron! x)
i think ive become accustomed to.. almost deep conversations with people. no dnm from my side if im consciously thinking about it, it just comes out sometimes. i sort of like it, writing big paragraphs and being able to convey myself to someone like that. couldn't talk it like that though, still as bad with words as i was when i was born.
ive also wished for a lot of things this year, with all those 11:11s. haha. :D but look at it okay, none of my true wishes ever come true. my aim in life is to be happy as often as possible, i realised that. have to be able to make those around me happy, but never forget that its not selfish to be happy myself. :s is it. stop questioning yourself cameron! um. just also like to say one little thing can make someone smile and be happy even if for a split second. so, smile everyone, because someone out there loves you, thinks about you. its amazing how many times im thinking about people who barely talk to me :\
i thank you 2010, for several things, formspring being one of them. (: it makes me happy knowing somebody is actually consciously asking me a question, and that i have so many questions, thank you really .
but in reality theres still one realisation to me, i believe nobody, and i mean nobody has even come close to understanding me still!
onwards to new friends, new memories and beyond. [:
- i don't need close friends at school, or to create unrealistic expectations on anything, i just live life as it is, take what comes to me, and make the best friends i can that i can rely on. my school friends have never been that close except for a few :\ they .. distance me, but im alright with that. i've stepped over betrayal and their slack traits forgiven them time and time again and just keep striving on, they're my only friends i'll have in this rough year, got to keep positive there. (:
- even if you try your hardest, theres someone out there who is better than you. you just have to put in your best effort, and hope for the best. sometimes, especially when your like me, people just don't like you based on stereotypes mainly and than after that its my own fault. look im a half asian, i can't speak chinese, no im not a genius because i go to nsb, no i can't jump high just because im tall i work on it, and fuck you all for stereotyping things like that. its painful to not be recognised when you put in work and even more painful when your hard work doesn't pay off, and fucking punches you in the face. that is the single hardest moment i've had this year. there was one other that rivaled it, but i have to say happy moments outnumbered these sad moments so step over it!
- don't update your phone and lose half your numbers!
- things are never the way they seem, sometimes it feels like im just hallucinating. i think ive become somewhat attached to falling asleep on the phone, its .. more peaceful i think. it allows me to rest at night, and i just had a moment thinking over something there irrelevant to what i was typing! x) urgh i dislike myself sometimes. anyways, i woke up to my grandparents calling asking for my mum and went back asleep and dreamed about yelling and going crazy at the mcdonalds people for not giving me my mcchicken and shutting down without giving it to me! i need my mcchicken okay you bastards, haha. :D
- sometimes, music can give me that little elevation, motivation to keep going. other times its god, but most of the time its my memories, my thoughts, my willpower. (:
i'll type something else, those are more my thoughts now. heh. :s this year will be another year, i met amazing friends this year, came closer to some and lost some, but its all for the better on the outlook. all for the better, just keep telling yourself that cameron! x)
i think ive become accustomed to.. almost deep conversations with people. no dnm from my side if im consciously thinking about it, it just comes out sometimes. i sort of like it, writing big paragraphs and being able to convey myself to someone like that. couldn't talk it like that though, still as bad with words as i was when i was born.
ive also wished for a lot of things this year, with all those 11:11s. haha. :D but look at it okay, none of my true wishes ever come true. my aim in life is to be happy as often as possible, i realised that. have to be able to make those around me happy, but never forget that its not selfish to be happy myself. :s is it. stop questioning yourself cameron! um. just also like to say one little thing can make someone smile and be happy even if for a split second. so, smile everyone, because someone out there loves you, thinks about you. its amazing how many times im thinking about people who barely talk to me :\
i thank you 2010, for several things, formspring being one of them. (: it makes me happy knowing somebody is actually consciously asking me a question, and that i have so many questions, thank you really .
but in reality theres still one realisation to me, i believe nobody, and i mean nobody has even come close to understanding me still!
onwards to new friends, new memories and beyond. [:
today i shall tell you one of my fears. [:
once upon a time when i was a little kid somebody left the tv channel on, and there was a scary murder of a girl she was just in the shower with her eyes closed showering and than boom. opens them and theres a guy there with a knife slits her throat and blood gushes everywhere and shes dead. i had nightmares for months and even til now im scared of closing my eyes in the shower. haha. :D wasn't that a wonderful story.
once upon a time when i was a little kid somebody left the tv channel on, and there was a scary murder of a girl she was just in the shower with her eyes closed showering and than boom. opens them and theres a guy there with a knife slits her throat and blood gushes everywhere and shes dead. i had nightmares for months and even til now im scared of closing my eyes in the shower. haha. :D wasn't that a wonderful story.
okay, this might sound overly personal but seriously i have these random moments when everything in my head just empties and even if im in these situations surrounded by people, talking to people i just feel like fucking crying, wah its so awkward sometimes :/ my lifes that sad, but tis ok, drink orange juice to blow away all my troubles! [:
i temporarily regained my sense of accomplishment/satisfaction. no one understands it. the sky ain't even the limit.
first of all, i have to say this holidays although it has been the most packed and enjoying one ive ever had, i don't feel any sense of satisfaction, i know that i've been going out a fair amount although i'd rather go out every chance possible with people i'd actually enjoy going out with. (: its strange you know, im starting to learn to hate the fact that i hate it when i know other people are going out without me but i deal with it and fucking man up. my holidays have flied by, its only two weeks left and than im gone from the surface of the universe, thats a hard thing to take into your head. truthfully, i don't want to get older, don't want to face those adversities of the HSC and so on, i like being young, not having to face responsibility and being able to enjoy life, but time just flies you know and in those times when im at home thinking fuck my life although i despise that phrase i have been using it more and more, i think theres just been a few things that help me keep on going this holidays.
one would be maribelle anes, shes just amazing, ive never felt so enlightened with joy from those minutes i was engrossed in watching every video than downloading all her songs. its a shame i didn't hear her sooner. :\ reaches out to me you know.. hm. all those other things i do in my spare time that i've just become accustomed too but don't enjoy but use it to kill time, facebook/nba 2k11/dota. all along those lines, tumblr was a nice change for a second but im almost over it. some pictures though just make me tingle with happiness. ehhe. :3 i love beautiful asians, they give me a sense of happiness which i don't often get. also when im watching a really great anime and... i think its a sense of excitement. (: before i blurb on into paragraphs and people are thinking what the fuck is this guy writing i'll end it up. i bet most of you didn't even read the whole paragraph haha.
heres my favourite maribelle anes song, wish i could see her face while shes singing it, its not on her official page D:
ive lost motivation to do things anymore, im not as determined? but i do it forcefully because i know i have to. this is mainly for study and eating. i study because i know i have to if i want to succeed i use to not mind doing it but now its a bother, i eat even when im not hungry because i know if i don't its not good for me. does that happen as you get older? i wouldn't know. everyones different. i think i've been talking to myself more lately, thats quite sad reading it back to myself heh.
one would be maribelle anes, shes just amazing, ive never felt so enlightened with joy from those minutes i was engrossed in watching every video than downloading all her songs. its a shame i didn't hear her sooner. :\ reaches out to me you know.. hm. all those other things i do in my spare time that i've just become accustomed too but don't enjoy but use it to kill time, facebook/nba 2k11/dota. all along those lines, tumblr was a nice change for a second but im almost over it. some pictures though just make me tingle with happiness. ehhe. :3 i love beautiful asians, they give me a sense of happiness which i don't often get. also when im watching a really great anime and... i think its a sense of excitement. (: before i blurb on into paragraphs and people are thinking what the fuck is this guy writing i'll end it up. i bet most of you didn't even read the whole paragraph haha.
heres my favourite maribelle anes song, wish i could see her face while shes singing it, its not on her official page D:
ive lost motivation to do things anymore, im not as determined? but i do it forcefully because i know i have to. this is mainly for study and eating. i study because i know i have to if i want to succeed i use to not mind doing it but now its a bother, i eat even when im not hungry because i know if i don't its not good for me. does that happen as you get older? i wouldn't know. everyones different. i think i've been talking to myself more lately, thats quite sad reading it back to myself heh.
is seventeen too young to live life by myself? can i not make my own decisions? thats the problem, overall, people always take me as a person which cannot lead his own life, i need to be cared for according to my family and than in other terms people just choose to ignore me. its actually quite hard, i use to think nobody understands what im thinking, now i think not even remotely. its hard to comprehend. im always restricted at everything in life. restricted.. im not allowed to go out here, im not allowed to go out til then, im not invited out, im just... lost alright.
im not really thinking anymore before i do things, i just let everything go with the flow, its a more peaceful lifestyle and yet i feel more engaged towards certain things. i have the urge to do well, i do have that determination no matter what other people say to me, i want to win. i don't like losing. my problems not getting myself to believe it, its getting others to understand.. and just enjoying myself theres always time to do better and theres time to have fun but missed opportunities you're going to regret forever and i've had enough regret for one lifetime, and thats my goal for now to beat that, beat you not myself.
i find hope in what i believe, wish for, desire, crave, dream for, whatever word you choose to use. that what gives me the motivation to keep going.
im not really thinking anymore before i do things, i just let everything go with the flow, its a more peaceful lifestyle and yet i feel more engaged towards certain things. i have the urge to do well, i do have that determination no matter what other people say to me, i want to win. i don't like losing. my problems not getting myself to believe it, its getting others to understand.. and just enjoying myself theres always time to do better and theres time to have fun but missed opportunities you're going to regret forever and i've had enough regret for one lifetime, and thats my goal for now to beat that, beat you not myself.
i find hope in what i believe, wish for, desire, crave, dream for, whatever word you choose to use. that what gives me the motivation to keep going.
happy new year.
2011
2011
hello world. hello god. hello cameron. you've realised a lot in the past year haven't you? like you're a little crazy to talk to yourself in the third person. ahha. (:
sorry there i just had a little spasm of laughing about my new years eve, had to shower to cool off. ive had a long day! although i didn't countdown to the new year, my night didn't turn out T and i'm looking forward to a hectic year, despite HSC. i know i have to study and all yeah, just have to bear through it and try to have fun still!
this is really stuff for dnm not new years resolution, keep it vented up!
sorry there i just had a little spasm of laughing about my new years eve, had to shower to cool off. ive had a long day! although i didn't countdown to the new year, my night didn't turn out T and i'm looking forward to a hectic year, despite HSC. i know i have to study and all yeah, just have to bear through it and try to have fun still!
this is really stuff for dnm not new years resolution, keep it vented up!
